Pump it up!

Not a whole lot to report...and sometimes that is the silver lining of life! I went to the Plastic Surgeon yesterday for another saline injection to continue stretching the skin. I drove myself there - another milestone for me - a big driving excursion to the City. He thought this would be the last one, but NO...one more next week. I continue to feel like I have water balloons in my chest because well, I do. He states that everything is healing and behaving like it should. The "Exchange" (water balloons for gummy bear implants) will take place about 3 months after the last PUMP IT UP. So around October/November.

I'm still restricted on exercising BOO HOO...except for lifting the weights over my head. The right ones goes pretty good but this left side gets about half way and won't go any further...OUCH! I keep trying.

Our pool construction project is moving right along so maybe being able to swim will help.

I've read about 100 books; watched a bunch of movies and bad TV. I'm ready for my old active life back but all in time....So get out there and move for me!

Rock of Love...

Pictured here is my high school Journalism teacher. She is a rock star, not because she's standing beside Bret Michaels of Poison/Rock of Love, etc. etc. but because she's standing beside him as his former English teacher. Yes, we went to the same high school but he was younger. I'm sure she touched his life like she touched mine.

She and I have stayed in touch over the 30 plus years since I left high school (and she looks the same as she did 30+ years ago!). She always wanted to be an actress and eventually was one, but I think teaching was her true calling.

Mrs. Rowe, or Linda as we can now call her, caught up with my blog the other day and said "Wow, you're writing is beautiful." Well of course it is, I learned from the best! So for those of you who have enjoyed my writing, my love of writing was nurtured and encouraged by this amazing teacher. My days spent on the high school newspaper staff were some of the funnest times in my life - taking on the administration for editorial freedom; meeting friends for life; and learning the power of creative expression.

There have been many teachers who positively impacted me over the years, but none so much as her. Writing has been my life line during difficult situations in my life...it is so cathartic to get it all out there. High school wasn't always an easy time in life, but she was indeed a Silver Lining.

With a wave of the wand...

The most precious thing in my world is this sweet little 3 year old granddaughter of mine. She is going through a phase where she doesn't like to be called by her name...she is either princess, mermaid or baby - depending upon her mood and environment. Her toy box is filling with magic wands, crowns, princess dresses - capes and shoes to match which we indulge alongside the soccer ball and the baseball bat. We got a surprise visit from her yesterday and she spent the night with us but it was killing me not being able to squeeze her and put her on my lap to read to.

The conversation sort of went like this....

Princess: Gumma, you have an Owee on your boobies?

Gumma (that would be me): Yes, I have bandans (her word for bandaids) on them. They hurt so I can't pick you up.

Princess: Did the doctor give you medicine?

Gumma: Yes he did and I am going to be OK

Princess: I'll wave my magic wand and make it all better...and she did.

Silver Lining: Believing in magic again!

Tears of Joy...Sighs of Relief...NO NODES!

For all of you who stormed heaven with your prayers; who meditated and chanted with me for "No Nodes;" who held me up through all the dark uncertain days; who nourished me with food and company and yes, even my country neighbor who assured me if anything needed shot, he was my man...A GREAT BIG COSMIC THANK YOU.

Pete and I went to visit Dr. McSmarty, the Plastic Surgeon today. We arrived at his office at 11:11 am. For those of you who have been on this journey for many years with me, you know that I lost my younger sister Lauri to breast cancer at the age of 43, and my wonderful mother to Ovarian cancer when she was 62. When Mom passed away, Lauri got into numerology and would point out that whenever the numbers 1111 or 111 would show up, it meant that an angel was watching over you. She would see these numbers in weird places, like on a license plate, when she was thinking of my mom. To her it meant mom was saying "HEY. Look at me. I'm here." When we lost Lauri, we started seeing these numbers too. So of course today, when the appointment started at 11:11 - it was surely a sign my sister who had walked with me through this disease before, and my mom, were certainly with me now.

Dr. McSmarty assured us that everything was healing perfectly and was looking better than expected. He gave me a couple of more exercises to do (YAY!) and told me that next Tuesday he hopes to have all the fills done. With this appointment completed, we went over to our Happy Place for lunch, Two Sisters, and had some great nutritious salads. Then over to Dr. Grant's office to find out the pathology of this most recent cancer. Tension was high.

Boy, Dr. Grant was chit chatty today. Taking his time feeling up the new boobies, marveling at his masterwork and giving me more exercises (with weights! YAY!); talking about his vacation and what he was reading. BLAH BLAH BLAH...HEY, what about those nodes? He was getting there which I thought was a sign there was bad news coming.

Then he said - CLEAR! Nothing in the nodes. Nothing in the breast tissue from either breast. The teeny tiny cancer that could not be felt but only seen through amazing new diagnostic mammography equipment at Baylor was contained. What this means, is NO CHEMOTHERAPY. Having been down that road before, I was braced for a re-run but dreading it. People who have had chemotherapy, I know you feel me. It's not as bad as it looks on TV or the movies but trust me it's no walk in the park either. I still have long term effects from C1 Chemotherapy.

Then Dr. Grant hugged me. I know what this means - parting is such sweet sorrow. I will see him occasionally but he is moving on to a new steadier girlfriend. I wish them both luck. Pete and I were teary eyed - and we were Facebook posting and text messaging the good news simultaneously from Dr. G's office. We were keeping it together pretty good, until check out time and Pete looked over at the little label holder on the nurse's desk pictured above - 11:11. Then I lost it...and his staff was all looking at me weird until I was finally able to explain the connection. The office manager said her husband was into the 11:11 thing too.

I've never cried in Dr. Grant's office before - I've cried in the elevator and in my car. I've hugged many crying people in the hall and the elevator from Dr. Grant's office. I'm sure the waiting room people thought I had just received some horrible news with my sobbing...but how do you explain tears of joy? Tears of relief? Tears of grief - knowing a sister and a mother left you here on earth but continue to watch over you in heaven? I know for sure today that angels were walking with me.

And if you've ever had any disbelief that positive energy, prayers, good karma etc. work...I am here to tell you that this energy could move mountains and change the world. I feel lucky to have friends, family and strangers who were willing to pray with me for this great outcome. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I hope I can be there for you when you need a friend, a prayer, a chant.

So next steps...

Next week I go for my final fill in the expanders, then will talk with Dr. McSmarty about when the exchange surgery will happen and we'll swap out the expanders for the perkier implants. Size C. I'm enjoying being a smaller girl this time around.

Silver Linings:

Reaffirmed belief that people are basically pretty awesome and will come together for a common cause. We have more in common than our differences.

Early Detection has been life saving for me and I thank God I have the knowledge, the discipline and the health insurance to get my regular mammogram.

Have you gotten yours?

Anticipation....

A big shout out to Komen Greater Fort Worth...this was their snow-girl prior to an April race. When I tell you that the weather in Texas is crazy...it is. We can have an 80 degree spring day followed by an ice or snow storm, followed by an 80 degree day. Right now we are at something like 26 days over 100 degrees so far this summer... 20 of them consecutive days. This picture makes me feel a little cold but with a big warm smile because my Komen family is cool like that.

I am not doing well just hanging out at home. I mean there's only so much work I can do; bad TV to watch and books to read. I'd really like to be out walking, doing Pilates and enjoying my gym workouts. I MISS THEM. Those of you who have the option to exercise or not, don't take it for granted. Limited mobility is not fun. OK pity party over.

Everything appears to be healing nicely and I am getting around somewhat. I can drive but if I push it too much, I feel exhausted the next day, so I'm begrudgingly slowing down. Dr. Grant explained that I would start feeling really good, then start feeling like I was being compressed from the inside, and then feel better again. I'm in the compressed mode. So much pulling, tugging, soreness. OUCH. I wasn't going to refill on the good drugs but I think I need to. Yesterday was a two pain pill day.

Tomorrow is our appointments with the plastic surgeon for more saline fill in the expanders. Then we'll see Dr. Grant and get the dreaded or anticipated pathology report. Pete has the day off so lucky him, he will get to hang out at Baylor spa too! Based on the attributes of the cancer cells and breast tissue they removed, we will know if further treatment is necessary. If it is, I get handed off to oncologist. You've got one day to help me with no node chanting and praying and then we'll know. NO NODES NO NODES NO NODES.

Pool construction starts Monday.

Silver Linings:

Pain medicine that works. I'm not a drug person but it's nice to know it's there.

Good health insurance, I've maxed out deductible...on auto cruise right now.

The Big C on Showtime...please check out this show Monday nights. I think it's the best thing on TV right now and believe me, I'm watching A LOT OF BAD TV and too much HGTV.

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road

Clicking the heels and one step closer to home this week. Yesterday we had the first follow up appointment with Dr. McSmarty (girls, let's face it - it's better to have a smart one than a pretty one), the Plastic Surgeon. He looked at how I was healing and said AWESOME...the radiated breast is acting like a radiated breast - those 40 treatments of heavy dose radiation 9.5 years ago in C1, has made that skin difficult to work with - but not impossible!

The two drains I had on either side of me were removed and it didn't hurt a bit, although it was weird because they were snaked around the entire breast area and the tube was much larger than I expected it to be. FREEDOM! Having those pesky things removed is a huge step in recovery and mobility.

He added 100 ccs of saline into each breast. We'll do this one or two more times, and then there is an exchange surgery to put the implant in. There's a new Gummy Bear implant that they are using - thanks John and Clare on the heads up about that. Yes, it feels like a gummybear. Sure, you can touch them when they're in - I won't feel a thing!!

I am feeling some tightness across the breast area from the new saline expanding my skin. However, I'm off painkillers completely and moving to Advil. You know what that means? YES. I enjoyed my first glass of post surgery wine. Ahhhh

No news on the nodes - so keep up the prayers and chanting. The breast surgeon has not called me about the results. The plastic surgeon didn't have them and I am seeing them both next Thursday. If they don't call me, I'm not calling them. I'll just find out next week and enjoy my drain-free life right now. If I have to do additional chemotherapy, they will not put in the gummy bears until I'm finished with that.

So my fellow Texans, is it HOT OR WHAT? I can't wait until I'm able to get out and about exercising but in the mean time, we decided we needed a pool so that project starts NOW. Swimming will be great therapy and a great way to beat the heat. And maybe we can more easily lure you out to see us.

Silver Linings:

Driving!

Wine!

Return to normalcy, if only for awhile. Pete heads back to work on Monday.

Drain(ed)

Necessity is the mother of invention and thank God for this invention from healincomfort.com the same place that invented the mastectomy shirt with the hidden pockets and velcro closures I blogged about earlier. This is sort of a Terri the Tool Man kind of look, but your pesky drains fit in here and then you can hide your shirt over the construction belt. I have a drain from both of my incision sites under my arm...this is really the only thing hurting and it's not like #10 pain or anything...it's like a tugging kind of occasional pain. I just have to say ouch and readjust my body recalling pilates stances - then it's all good.

Day 2 at home. I have been able to be up and about most of today; eating regularly and had a great night's sleep after I discovered that I cannot, I repeat cannot take two pain pills. Although the doctor said I could take two, I definitely SHOULDN'T...really weird dreams, narcotic hangover...maybe this is what tripping is like. I don't know - I missed that part of the 70s but I definitely didn't like it. For those of you who tried to peer pressure me 30 years ago, glad I passed. Missed nothing.

Listening to new Foo Fighters - thanks my music friend BB - awesome recovery music!

Had visits yesterday and today - nice to see you!

On the news front - I GOT NOTHIN'. I go back to see the plastic surgeon next week to see if one or both drains can be removed. Once they are producing 30 ml or less per day, they are goners. This takes anywhere from a few days to a few weeks - depending on what your body is doing. The drains are using gravity to pull bodily fluids away from your incision, avoiding hematomas, lessening infection and other nasty things - a great invention for surgery recovery.

No pathology for about another week too...

Silver linings:

Sometimes a no news day is the best kind. Who else is tired of Casey Anthony?

Happy would have been 48 Lauri

Bittersweet day. Home and feeling on the mend...better living through chemistry. Feeling lots of love and support...thank you! When I tell you it is these small gestures of support with big love I mean it. I would trade my Tiffany ring for it (but who would get it?).

Pete's UVA engineering degree is paying high dividends. He has already found a way to get me cleaned up. Omg it's the simple things in life that bring you the most joy, Clean at last! The drain thing is under control and this healincomfort.com shirt is making things way easier. Pete has rigged the recliner so I have a remote..we are hunkered down at home. So much better than the hospital even though Baylor Spa is a great place.

I am in total love with my plastic surgeon. When I asked if he brought his "A" game he told me he didn't have a B game and it often drives people crazy. Not me..he was able to use my skin for the reconstruction without having to take my back muscle. Recovery will be easier. There are expanders stretching out my skin and I will go through a several week process to blow up the area and then the permanent perky implant is inserted. Nipples are tattooed on after the permanent implants go in so it seems my life Does have a tat in its future. Never say never.

My pathology report will not be back for a week so keep the no nodes chanting going. I think the universe is listening.

I must say I expected to feel some mourning for the girls. But I'm actually enjoying the smaller size. A little bruised and battered right now but I can see perky in my future. My only pain has been a tugging feeling on my right side, but I'm calling on my years of Pilates practice to help me move and breathe to avoid pain.Thanks Laura...can't wait to get back to it!

I woke up at 1:11 am remembering that today would have been my sister's 48th birthday - it doesn't seem possible that it's been over 4 years since she's been gone. She and I shared this disease for so many years, until she lost the fight. How many times I've wanted to ask her about her experience, get advice or just say F cancer. I miss you Laur and will keep fighting to end this disease or make it better for those less fortunate.

It's also my amazing cousin's wedding day today and I'm sad to miss it..she is a c survivor too. Pittsburgh: we are family! That's me with you dancing the night away! A toast to Ali and Carlos to make time for the important things in life and to always find the silver linings.

Here are mine:
Bendy straws
Hand held showers and camping chairs
Facebook-yes I fought it but it has helped me stay connected
Watermelon ...crisp and cool for a record breaking Texas heat wave

Home is where I want to be...

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from the other
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time Before we were born
If someone asks, this where I'll be . . . where I'll be

-- Talking Heads

We are back.

It all went pretty quickly, once they decided we could. Got Terri's prescriptions filled at the hospital pharmacy, got loaded up with dressings and drain supplies, and hit the road. Hit a Schlotzkis for some less institutional food ("lotz better"?)

Terri survived all the moving around, but started getting some twinges in the right-side drain. More moving = more strain.

Best part of getting home - real showers.

I have enjoyed my guest stint on the blog, but I hand the reins back to Terri...
Maybe I will make an occasional guest appearance!

From the "You Can't Make This Stuff Up" Dept...

By Pete, in the room.

Those that remember C1 as Terri now calls it will recall that somehow The Wizard of Oz was a perfect metaphor ("Haven't we Metaphor?") for the journey. Dorothy's plight and eventual return home just struck a chord.

Today, just before lunch (real food and everything - well... Hospital food...) The Price is Right came on. For those that don't have the benefit(?) of daytime TV, Drew Carey is now the host of the show. I also think he must have got his pal Wayne Brady the gig on Let's Make a Deal. Today, I glanced up and Drew was in full Cowardly Lion costume (add the large black frame glasses).

In fact, the whole show was in Oz Mode - from the product models dressed as Dorothy, Glinda, and The Tin Man, the announcer as The Scarecrow, and even the prizes. They had a packet of poppy seeds in one of the goofy price match games. They had an emerald bracelet. They had a trip to Ireland (the Emerald Isle, get it?). Green cars! A model dressed as a Flying Monkey flapping her wings on a motorcycle!

Yikes.
Definitely. Not. In. Kansas. Anymore.

Terri has made great strides today, including literal strides around the hall. She is off the IV completely - the Hydration, the Morph, and the Catheter (oh my)... She wasn't quite ready for the French toast this morning, but had a bit of turkey for lunch.

I helped change her dressings, and got my first drain cleaning lesson. I tell you, it sometimes helps to just get curious about how all this stuff works. I found that it didn't bother me much at all... I guess I do have the Noive.

Night-night

By Pete, in Terri's room.

After about two more hours in recovery, they released Terri to her room. I found it thru the maze three buildings over and waited an hour before they wheeled her in. Got to meet the nurses, at least tonight's shift. Got Terri all hooked up to the various tubes and wires.

She is still on oxygen for now, and fully set up with self-medicating morphine drip. Too bad you have to go thru the major surgery portion of the Baylor Spa package just to get the Bliss package...

She has been able to handle a few ice chips, but so far, even that makes her a bit nauseous. They added another splash to her mix to smooth that out. Of course, the food tray arrived just then with menu shown above. Minus the tea, which is really all she could've handled anyway...

The boys arrived a bit ago to check up on her, and offerred to go fetch some pizza... For us three.

Just as they got back, another spa option showed up - the respiratory therapist. Breathe in breathe out...

Waiting... Is over!

By Pete, in the waiting room.

Just saw Terri in the recovery area. She is still quite groggy. Said she felt like... Well. You can guess. The nurse in the recovery area said she will need to come out of it a bit more and have a bit less pain before they can move her to a room. So, more waiting. A couple more hours, maybe.

Dr. Carpenter came by earlier and said that he did NOT have to use skin/muscle from her back! This is good news, as it will speed her recovery and cause less problems later. If you have ever had muscle pain in your back (and who hasn't?), imagine tearing out a chunk...

The scorecard above is the status of each OR. Green is in progress, red is finished, blue is in recovery zone... I guess if size matters, Terri's bar was the longest all day! Her bar is the third of the blues together in the middle... OR 16. Note that it is actually the 15th line... Silly superstitions... No OR 13! Last night, we were on the 14th floor of the hotel (which is of course really the 13th floor). So take that, universe! Lucky 13 it is.

Speaking of spooky stuff - one notices these things with constant TV playing... In one of the waiting room TVs, there is a darkened area down the middle of the screen that looks like a breast in profile. A Ghost of Breastmas Past?

Waiting... Part 3

By Pete, sitting in the Waiting Room (or, waiting in the Sitting Room.)

Phase One complete, Dr. Grant said she's doing fine, no issues. They were not able to do any immediate dissection of the sentinel nodes, so no further info there until further analysis.

(Keep chanting, in other words...)

Dr. Carpenter takes it from here. Probably another 2-3 hours.

Waiting... Part 2

By Pete, guest blogging from the "It's a Grind" coffeeshop over at the DART station. Had to escape.

Since Terri wasn't allowed to eat or drink after midnight, we didn't stop for breakfast... So I am just getting breakfast now.

Standard doctor scenario, hurryupandwait. We got to the check-in right at 7:30, and then sat there for an hour. Terri was in great spirits, considering. Terri commented, "all the other people here look sick...". That she doesn't belong. I reminded her that early detection is wonderful thing...

Once in the post-waiting waiting room, Terri was visited by the various prep folks, Dr. Wong, the anesthesiologist, the OR nurse, etc. Terri put on the provided 'spa wear' -- guessing (wrongly) that Dr. Carpenter would want the drafty portion in front. With that corrected, Dr. Carpenter proceeded to sharpie lines all down her front and back. Dr. Carpenter said that he might not need the back muscle and skin, depending on how damaged by radiation the existing tissues were. He referred to the back tissue as "like going back to Lowes" when you need more stuff to finish a job. I can relate.

Terri was right, Dr. Carpenter does look like our nephew Tyler, tho grown up and with white hair. (Hey Tyler, I know you probably want to be a physicist or engineer - but consider this - plastic surgeons get to look at breasts. All day. Every day. Think about it.)

Dr. Grant came in, assured us that he was well rested after the 4th weekend, "on your A-game" as Terri put it. He did say that immediately post-surgery, all we would know is very preliminary results on the lymph nodes. Full analysis would not be available for both the nodes and the breast tissue for about a week. So, continue chanting "no nodes, no nodes"... But we won't know the real answer to that for a while, so hold the question for now.

The prep nurse did a great job getting the IV in, small favors... Next, to prepare for the complimentary Baylor Spa lower leg massage, they put compression stockings and inflatable sleeves on her calves. To complete the spa treatment, they finally brought the 'cocktail' - alas, Dr. Wong had to inject it into the IV. He also said he would have something for the 'hangover' later...

It was time. I gave her a kiss and a squeeze. Should have an update from Dr. Grant in a few hours.

Waiting... Part 1

This is Pete, starting the waiting process. We are at the Roberts surgery center, waiting to check in. I will update as we go...

Pink is my favorite color

Today I have a date with my on-again boyfriend Dr. Grant who will conduct all the markings for my Farewell to Breasts Tour. Love is always better the second time around? Hmmm. Pete and I are checking into the Westin tonight to enjoy an early evening on the town (no eating after midnight), sleep in a little (our drive to Baylor from the Ranch is 1.5 hours), check into Baylor Spa 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, with surgery beginning at 9:00 am - I like my doctors fresh!

Am I scared? Worried? Nervous? YES. Am I confident that I have the best information, the best doctors, the best support system - YES. I think they cancel each other out so I'll be listening to my new surgery meditations (thanks Aunt Mar) and getting into the zone. I will be fine.

From diagnosis to this day, I have had so much to be thankful for but today I'd like to thank my silver "PINK" lining: my Susan G. Komen for the Cure/Dallas County Affiliate family. This pink sisterhood has been the place I have thrown my angry red energy at breast cancer and turned it softer. I have drawn strength and inspiration from the survivors and co-survivors I've met along the way. I have kept my fighting spirit alive for the beautiful people who lost their fight. So many of you have become fast friends for life.

My personal hero is our leader and founder, Nancy Brinker, because her story is my story. And she has exemplified how one person can change the world. Losing a young sister to cancer and then surviving this disease gives you strong motivation to fight back. Thirty years ago, the word "breast" couldn't be printed in the newspaper to talk about the little race for the cure she was having in Dallas where 800 people showed up. How she has changed the world and the conversation about breast cancer (yes, we can even graphically blog about it!). I admire her and respect her deeply.

"People tend to think of pink as a soft and delicate color, but not our pink. At Komen, we know that pink is strong, pink is fierce, pink is brave, and pink is mighty. Just talk to any one of the nation's 2.5 million breast cancer survivors and you'll know the power and courage of pink. I am proud to stand with them, as one of them." - Nancy Brinker

There is no pink elephant in the room among my Komen sisters. We can talk genetic mutations, scars, new breasts, doctors, hopes, fears, losses like we are talking about the weather. It's a safe place full of fierce pink energy. People associated with our cause put countless volunteer hours and efforts into our passion. Respected Dallas Companies like Fox 4, Tom Thumb, Luke's Locker and Katydid Collection are sponsors of the Komen Dallas Race, but their leaders are also wonderful, compassionate people who have become my personal supporters as well. Pictured here is my lovely find from a North Haven Gardens fundraiser. Our cause is filled with amazing people, amazing events and amazing pink energy.

I know that I am often obnoxious in my fundraising and support of this organization, but it has been my soft pink fluffy place to land. It has opened my eyes to the science we are energizing towards a cure but more importantly it has made me look outside of myself. All the pain and suffering my family has experienced because of cancer takes on a different light when I look at what others in my community are experiencing. Women learning to make scarves out of old T-shirts to cover their chemo bald heads because they can't afford a wig; women who don't get mammograms because they believe they can't have it because they have no family history of breast cancer but have a grapefruit size lump; women struggling to keep their homes and their jobs while fighting cancer; women who are taking the bus to their chemo appointments; families making choices between food and treatment. If I could help everyone of them, I would. But I am only one person. So I choose to stand with my Sisterhood of the Pink to make a difference.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. July 6, 2011, I need your prayers, karmic energy or whatever you believe in - that these teensy, tiny cancer cells have not found their way into my lymph nodes. We don't want no stinking chemo!! Can I hear your chant? NO NODES NO NODES NO NODES!!!

October 15, 2011 is the next Komen Dallas Race for the Cure. I hope you will join me in my victory lap

http://dallas.info-komen.org/goto/TSwain