The End....

Monday morning 6 am was the C2 grand finale: exchange surgery. Dr. McSmarty removed the heavy expanders and replaced them with the "gummy bear" implants; nipples were formed (I'm still trying to figure that out - WEIRD and NO TO pictures!);  no shopping at Home Depot (aka tummy fat) was necessary.  The surgery was uneventful and the recovery has been fairly easy.  My new Little C girls are in place.  My left side has some edema due to the frying it got during the radiation phase of C1.  Exercises have been ordered to assist but I don't think it will ever be the same.

Nothing ever will.

You can remove parts, slash, burn and rebuild; you can put on your perky and your best positive attitude...but it's a very odd feeling when "it's done."  The middle place where you move from cancer patient to cancer survivor.  Are you in remission? Cured?  One part of you knows it's a great big cause for celebration but another part of you knows it's the beginning of something else.

The silver lining in C2 is understanding this. Looking at it head on.  Excising the demons the best you can. But most of all acknowledging the new normal, living with it, allowing yourself to grieve your lost health and the parts you will never get back.  Then course correcting your own life.

There will still be plenty of dates with doctors - we'll see each other every few months until we (hopefully) tire of each other and move to less frequent visits.  In between those visits, I know that I will be re-evaluating my own life and what I choose to do with my time, talents and treasures.  Because life IS about not knowing but taking the moment and making the best of it.

I am happy to say FAREWELL to 2011. It wasn't a good year, but there were several silver linings along the way.  To those of you still "in fight" or grieving losses, I wish you some downtime to figure out how to make each moment count. To those on the road with me this year, Thank You. Let's dance with life and here's to a better 2012!!

Once more

Pete here. Guest-blogging as Terri goes under the knife once more.

We stayed over here in Dallas last night to keep from having to leave the house at 4AM. Found a cool hotel 5min from the surgery center. Met our friends Duane and Linda for dinner, tried to get some sleep.

I think I am finally starting to wake up just now as it approaches 9. Dr. Carpenter seemed very awake tho, on top of things. Being a morning person would seem to be a prerequisite for a surgeon.

Terri should be out soon.

What is love?

Remember when you were a teenager, riding your bicycle on York Street, wondering who was out there in that big world that was going to be your forever love? What was he doing right then? What would your babies look like? What IS love? Where will you find it?

OK, maybe that was just my teenage angst-y self. Yes, I was that kind of teenager - reaffirmed after finding lost journals recently.  (BTW there are about 10 boys out there I was CERTAIN were the one...but alas my wanderlust took me away from Mechanicsburg, PA...).

I've learned one thing about love that no one could explain to you while you were busy being attracted to the wrong kind of person...love isn't about looks (but they don't hurt!), love isn't about exciting (but the bad boys were fun to hang out with!), and love isn't the same as lust.  Here is what I would tell my teenage self...

Love IS...the man who weeps at your news of _______ (insert terrible thing here, like "C"); then lets you cry and be all kinds of weird emotional. And holds your hand, and tells you that it will be OK even if he's not sure it will be.  And when it's not OK, he holds your head and makes you tea and cooks you soup.  He cleans your wounds and does things you're not sure you could do for him or for yourself even. (Men who clear drains - GOD BLESS YOU. ICK!).  When you've lost your parts, he realizes you are more than the sum of them.  When you've lost your mind, he forgives you.  When you look like total s**t, he makes you feel beautiful and special.

Younger ladies - we spend a lot of time looking for the hot guy; the "successful" one; the one who will look nice on the Christmas cards beside the beautiful children.  But I am here to tell you: look for the man you will love you, care for you, laugh with you and cry with you. The man who will love you without hair and hold your head over the toilet.  He is the keeper.

When my own mother battled cancer, I watched 45 years of love culminate in those final months where my Dad gave shots in the stomach; changed IV bags; cried privately but still made my mom smile. She was his true love and we all knew it.  In one of my mom's last emails to me she said "My life is over too soon but I can't complain. I've had a loving and faithful husband and four beautiful daughters..."

So to all the caretakers and co-survivors out there - you ARE the silver lining in our battles.

My next surgery is Monday...it is day surgery and I will have the bowling ball like expanders removed and exchanged with the implants.  Pete and I will be there at 6 am and I will allow him to guest blog once more with the updates.  This is far easier surgery than the last and I get to have a date with Dr. McSmarty.  What a way to start a week and MERRY CHRISTMAS to me...new boobies!!!