Don't Worry. Be Happy.

Once you've had a cancer diagnosis and you go through SURGERY. And CHEMO. And  RADIATION. And POST CANCER DRUGS...there is a point when you ask yourself:

AM I DONE???

Am I CURED? In REMISSION? A SURVIVOR?

For so long after C1, I never felt done.  I was a ticking time bomb waiting for another lump, or bad blood work. Every headache was a brain tumor.  Fatigue was the cancer creeping back.  I was in a never ending game of baseball....9th inning, 3 balls, 2 strikes - and I was the BATTER UP.

When my head hit the pillow, I imagined how I would face a terminal diagnosis; I made plans for my children; and imagined my funeral service;  kept good records for the executor of my estate. Oh and I had fun too. I bought things I wanted. Visited amazing places.  And you would have never, ever, ever imagined this was my worry. But always, always, cancer was my constant companion.

I guess the bottom line is this:  I worried and it happened. Worry didn't change the outcome. Luckily for me, C2 wasn't the cancer of my worries.

I'm pretty sure with my family history, C3 isn't out of the question. But the way life is, a thousand shoes may drop and the unexpected will rock my world - my left field theory of life.

So I've decided to give up the worry.  And Be Happy. I hope you'll join me.

Three Days

The Komen 3 day (walking 60 miles over the course of 3 days) has been on my bucket list for quite a few years.  Because I was turning the ripe old age of 50 this year, I decided now was the time. I know the seasons are changing us because it didn't even require copious amounts of wine to get my partner in adventure Kathy to join me.  Dove, my awesome employee/business partner in Colorado was also in.  So we signed up with a group of my Komen buddies....an amazing group.

Yes, we signed up prior to the Big C2 diagnosis.  I was kind of on the fence about this event after I learned of my diagnosis, because I didn't know what kind of physical shape I was going to be in after ALL THAT. Through weird 6 degrees of separation, a member of our team's wife was going through C1 with the same dream team of doctors as me, and I took that as a sign to JUST DO IT!  So as soon as I could get off the recovery couch, I started training with my team.  We were blessed with a coach from my old employer, BNSF, and I felt ready.

What an experience.

The opening ceremonies were a tribute to the people we lost to breast cancer. Amidst the shivering in the cold that day, I had tears streaming down my face but also a fire and determination to finish STRONG in honor of our fallen soldiers... in particular, my sister Lauri who lost the fight to breast cancer and my mom, Jeanne, who lost the fight to Ovarian cancer.  When it got tough to push through, I was reminded that NOTHING out on that course was as bad as chemotherapy or the pain of losing someone you loved.

The three days were magical. I finished and finished strong with my team members.  Luckily we had some "new material" on our team and made some fast friends for life.  I think Kathy and I have worn out our life histories with each other so much so that every now and then we will be SHOCKED by a piece of information about the other that we didn't know about.  I wish I had a $ for every mile we've walked together!

I finished with no injuries, no blisters, no soreness.  Just a stronger resolve to fight this fight.  All along the race course people cheered us on and thanked us for walking. In fact, coming back to reality was tough. I'm embarrassed to say that I asked my training class for a few high fives the next week - I was missing the love!!  Probably one of my favorite images on the race course was this one because this is why we do these crazy things:

The event was a class act, but NO we didn't sleep in the tents. We opted for camp Crowne Plaza instead (thankfully - I needed a hot shower and soft bed to place my heavy with expander chest into).  Collectively we raised over $7.1 million with this one event - 2600 walkers, 450 crew members and thousands of supporters.  I was proud to be a part of it.

And to my team....1, 2, 3 BOOBIES!!!  I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Pictured here is Kathy, Teresa, Me, Dove, Jim, Renee and Allison. The seven of us walked into camp each day together, arm in arm, singing "we're off to see the Wizard." (Thanks Komen buddy Mark for catching this on film - he kept facebooking me - "where are you?" and we were right under his lens!)

To all my Komen supporters out there along the course - The Cheryl angels, Luke's Locker, Komen Dallas Staff and Volunteers...you make the cancer walk a whole lot easier!!  For those of us who have survived a breast cancer diagnosis, you cannot imagine the love and energy that was felt on the 3 day walk.  It will carry me for a long time to come.

Happy 11/11/11...hope you are feeling angels today.

PS...our team was interviewed by Channel 8 - you can check it out here:
 http://www.wfaa.com/news/Three-day-walk-raises-7-million-for-breast-cancer-research-133339253.html

Calling All Angels...

We just returned from my cousin's beautiful wedding and connecting with my Swain family relatives - a big Irish Catholic, fun and loving crowd (yes, we drink and get crazy!).  My mom loved family gatherings and felt it was always important to attend weddings, christenings, birthdays, graduations...and to celebrate with great joy - to sing, to dance, to laugh so hard you cried.

It was no surprise Angel Mom traveled with us. Day 1 we got into our Chicago B&B late. I turned on the light switch and right above it was this piece of art - it's a silk chinese print in a bamboo frame.  We had this SAME print in our home in Taiwan.  Does anyone in our family still have this? The proprietor acquired this piece at a church bazaar in the late 70s.  My mom probably got this one in the same time period during one of her travels through the orient when we lived there.  Funny, most of the art in the B&B was religious in nature or Greta Garbo - NOT oriental.

We had a great time at the wedding with the generations, including our old soul but youngest cousin. Thanks for being SWAIN GIRLS with us.  A cancer silver lining: always finding the joy in every occasion.  Meeting other fun people who are no longer strangers.  Hey you guys - if you are reading this YOU ARE FUN!!! Thanks for the shared laughter.

However, Mom wasn't done traveling with us.  We ate at a Thai Restaurant the night before we left.  This art work was hanging in the Thai restaurant:

One just like this hung in our home...a treasure from one of my mom's trips to Bangkok.  I now have it at my house!!

It seems like my mom always shows herself through art or music. My sister Lauri through the numbers 111 (I really meant to write this yesterday on 11/1/11 but the day got away from me...again). My Aunt saw 111 in several instances on her travels to the wedding. Lauri must have been traveling with them.  Mom was with us.

I was on Pandora looking for Jane Siberry's version of "Calling All Angels" to listen to while I wrote this post. It's not on their play list, so instead Sinead O'Connor's I'm Here to Mother You played.  It was appropriate.  Listen and enjoy...I think my mom is still here to mother me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lV7dRs3KYU0&feature=relmfu