What Matters

Almost everything that matters to me is piled into this old car...Two generations, filled with towels and toys, snacks, sweat and smiles for a simple outing to the pool. My heart is smiling and I am transported to the days at my grandma's house - playing monopoly, going to the pool, hanging out with my aunts and uncles. I am reliving days with my children at their grandparent's home - golf ball hunting, singing with Greg Russell under the tree in Hilton Head, walking to the pool or the beach, driving in Grandma's convertible. All these little life moments and memories MATTER. They make us who we are. They show us how to love and to give and to smile..how to cry and console...how to live!

If there is one thing that a cancer diagnosis teaches you it's figuring out what matters. My first cancer diagnosis and losing my mom and sister to cancer taught me that we are only promised today. These past nine years have been filled with amazing adventures - a marathon, a triathlon, skiing, snowshoeing, a world series game, concerts in faraway places, a trip to Italy and countless trips to amazing places with amazing friends and family. I vowed to say yes to every adventure that came my way (except for jumping out of a plane, that still has no appeal for me!!). If I lost my life tomorrow, I would have lived each day like I wanted with no regrets.

In Cancer II, I am cherishing moments like the one pictured here. Simple memories being present with everyone I love.

Silver Linings:

Figuring out what matters (PS: it's not a BMW, or a big house, or any kind of bling)

Save the Date!

The next big bold move has been made - my surgery date is set for July 6, 2011 (so close to Independence Day - a sign?). My surgeons, Dr. Grant and Dr. Carpenter will work their magic together in a lengthy remove and reconstruct surgery. They will have vacationed and will be coming back fresh! The surgery is at 9 am. Pete is taking FMLA to hang out with me during my hospital stay and the first week I'm home.

At this time a sentinel node biopsy will also be done to determine if there is any node involvement and the tissue will also be biopsied to determine the cancer's attributes (pretty and witty? more like negative or positive...). This will determine what, if any, further treatment will be required.

Hope you are living your BEST LIFE!!

PRAYERS FOR NO NODES!!

PS...Have you signed up for our Komen Race for the Cure team yet? SUPPORT THE WAR IN MY RACK!

The Breast Books...

Since I didn't have a mastectomy in Cancer I, I guess I overlooked this gem of a memoir...a 27 year old with breast cancer writing about her experience in "Why I Wore Lipstick to my Mastectomy". I can't imagine facing that decision at the age of 27 and it's the latest addition to my cancer reading collection.

There are other books that I think are excellent resources when someone has been diagnosed with cancer; a word of warning: some people really don't want to know. But if they or you do...

"It's Not About the Bike," Lance Armstrong - this book is so motivational. When you look at what he accomplished AFTER his low chance of survival rate cancers, you feel like Rocky. Or Lance Armstrong.

"Love, Medicine and Miracles," Dr. Bernie Siegel. Dr. Bernie is a medical doctor who has studied Exceptional Cancer Patients - people who survived despite the odds. He has a couple of other books too. Read them for hope and inspiration.

Dr. Susan Love's "Breast Book" - this is the "bible" of breast cancer, in my opinion. It explains a lot about breasts and cancer, if you feel like knowing. It's my go-to book to decipher pathology reports and diagnoses. It's a medical book written for the non-Dr.

"The Breast Reconstruction Guidebook," by Kathy Steligo. This has been invaluable in my understanding of reconstruction options; written by women for women.

"Bald in the Land of Big Hair: A True Story," by Joni Rogers. This book is as hysterical as cancer can be, especially for us Texas gals.

And of course, "Promise Me," by Nancy Brinker, (my heroine) whose love for her sister, Susan G. Komen, started a pink phenomenon. I'm proud to be part of the amazing Komen sisterhood.

How about you? Got a cancer or cancer inspired book suggestion?

Third Time's a Charm(er)

Dear Diary:

So excited...met Dr. Right today!! Everything about him and his office was smart. Professional. Warm. Great recommendations from my other survivor sisters. Only one little flaw with Dr. Right...he insists that I do have enough tummy for the DIEP surgery . This is the surgery where they take your stomach fat and blood vessels and create new breasts with your own fat. So thanks for all the offers of tummy fat...but apparently I have enough of my own (I seriously doubted that silver lining).

However, Dr. Right does not do this surgery...he says that it's one for hotshot young microsurgeons and he is getting me into see what he considers the best soon. Then I get to pick my surgical procedure and my own Mc. Steamy plastic surgeon. Either way, I feel like I'm in good hands. Once decision is made 3-4 weeks until we schedule the surgery.

DOWNSIDES to DIEP: It's an 11-12 hour surgical procedure (vs. 6-8 on the Dorsi Flap); longer hospital stay; longer recovery

UPSIDES TO DIEP: It's one major surgery with fewer follow ups; your own fat=softer girls; better ability to play sports

Life Lesson: Always seek a number of opinions so you can feel confident and well armed with your decision making. Just because they're doctors, doesn't mean they know you or everything! Talk to people! Read! Make informed decisions. They are ground control...you are Major Tom.

Silver Linings: BOGO - Tummy Tuck plus perkier breasts covered by insurance (mostly)

Diving into the Deep but not the DIEP

I have my last plastic surgeon interview on Tuesday and then I must pick Dr. Right and the Right Reconstruction option. Because I had radiation during Cancer I, my skin and breast tissue have issues that will complicate reconstruction and limit my options. Additionally (per last post) I don't have enough fat (WHAT??) for some of the flap reconstructions and have scar tissue in my abdominal area from prior surgeries. So it looks like I will be doing the Latissimus Dorsi Flap where they will reconstruct using the flat muscle in the back and use implants. Thanks for all the referrals to plastic surgeons...I have limited them to those who work well with my breast surgeon and oncology team, operate out of Baylor Dallas and whose work I have personally seen (thanks Girls for sharing your works of art with me!).

After I pick Dr. Right, he will coordinate surgery with my breast surgeon. Ladies who I've shared Dr. Grant with, we're back together again. He's my boyfriend now and he is simply the best.

Surgery should take place within 3-4 weeks - will keep you posted on the date. I will probably be in the hospital a few days (Baylor Dallas). Any additional treatment plan will be determined after tissue is biopsied. This is pretty major surgery but I have been gathering lots of post mastectomy/reconstruction tips - keep them coming. We did purchase a Lazy Boy Recliner with a push button (who knew?) in case sleeping in bed is difficult. I will be having surgery on both my back (to take the muscle) and my chest to take the girls. When I asked the best method for sleeping - I was told upside down!!!

Now, for the art...I've been looking for something to hang in my master bathroom and wanted something large, with a water theme. My sister connected me to a gallery in Hilton Head Island and this specific piece which is on copper. I fell in love with it and now it is mine! Not only are the colors and the composition amazing, I loved the symbolism of diving into the deep water, which is exactly how I feel. The gallery owner told me that the artist did this piece when his daughter was going through a difficult time. Guess what? She surfaced!! As will I. A friend reminded me about the beauty that you find at the bottom of the ocean floor and how bright and sunny the world looks once you emerge from it. Yes.

SILVER LININGS: New Art! New Furniture!

You are greater than the sum of your parts..

During Cancer I...Pete and I were pretty new in our relationship and he left this very powerful message for me: You are greater than the sum of your parts. We had just left the meeting with the breast surgeon where I had 1,000 questions and one decision to make: lumpectomy or mastectomy? I was 40 years old, with a tiny lump in my left breast... and I just wasn't ready to let go of my breasts at that time. A few years later, I tested positive for the BRACA 2 gene mutation (the one that tells you that you are high risk for breast cancer). My oncologist was strong in her opinion that I should have a "just in case mastectomy". I still wasn't ready to let go of the girls and the idea of a just in case mastectomy didn't feel right for me. She and I had always discussed that "If" C were to return then this would be our option.

So here we are almost a decade later...and it's the decision that I have had 10 years to reconcile with. I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about mastectomy and the various types of reconstruction available. I have been contemplating the new girls - smaller and more lifted. I have been interviewing plastic surgeons. And each night, I imagine myself without my beautiful breasts. Ah, the complicated relationship with them....forcing me to wear a bra when I wasn't ready (my tomboy days were soon over!); attracting male attention in good ways and bad; providing sustenance to my beautiful twin baby boys (sorry for the visual boys); having to double bag to play soccer (sorry everyone else for the visual); and now, for the second time, the site of the cancer cell invasion.

Did anyone watch Oprah with Chaz Bono? She always felt she was a man and hated her breasts. In becoming a man, he was set free with no breasts. I couldn't help comparing experiences - he wants his to go; I want to save mine. All for the same reason, to feel comfortable in our own skin.

Then I think of women with small breasts who want bigger ones; all the plastic surgery to make them bigger or smaller... and it's all just so crazy...but at the end of the day, they are just parts. We are all greater than the sum of them.

I won't lie...I am grieving the farewell to these breasts...for 50 years we've been through some sh*t together. Parting is such sweet sorrow. I am sad to see them go, but I know my chances for Cancer III will fall dramatically.

Today's silver lining: Actual word for word quote from Plastic Surgeon #2: You don't have enough stomach fat to even make an A Cup.

Now, that's some shit.

Please don't ask me if I've watched Stepmom

What do you do or say when someone you know has cancer? The C word is very scary...it's often followed by the D word, which is scarier. All of us have probably known someone who survived cancer and someone who died from cancer...and it's hard to know what to do or say. So here's a few of my pointers:

Don't retreat... we need you now more than ever. The diagnosed person may retreat in order to process or fight or hold on tight. Take your cues not to crowd them in, but let them know you are thinking of them. A kind word - by email, text, facebook or snail mail is always a good thing. Phone calls are kind of tough for me, but if you know you're dealing with a phone person, a short message.

Think about your words. This is not the time to talk about your Aunt Sally that died from breast cancer. This is the time to talk about your friend Sue who beat it three times. This is not the time to ask "Are/Were you a smoker?". Take your cues from your dearly diagnosed: if she feels like saying F**K...let her say it and say it along with her. If she wants to be in cancer warrior mode, get your WHOOP ASS on. If she wants to be negative, don't be sally sunshine. If he wants to pray, take him to church and pray along with him. And yes, we saw Stepmom and the Family Stone. We know the moms with cancer both died and we're not going to.

Ask. What do you need? What can I do for you? If you don't get a response, think about who they are and what they treasure. What brings joy? If the diagnosed holds family dear and has young children at home, just taking them out with your family for "normal" is the greatest gift of all. Person who loves a clean house but doesn't have the energy? Merry Maids. A reader: Books. To the family who took my 16 year olds to Hooters during Cancer I, the irony was not lost on me, but it was an amazing act of love. To my friends who know I love to exercise, pulling me off the chemo couch to go for a walk or putting up with my lame soccer skills made me feel normal. To the BFF who planted pretty flowers in my garden, I enjoyed them all chemo long. And the metal wig party when my own lovely locks were gone, brought a smile and a few tears. I've learned that there are people out there that are chomping at the bit to do something for you and if you don't tell them what you need, you'll get a bunch of bath and body products to show for it. Which leads me to my next pointer.

Avoid gifts and foods with smells. Don't get me wrong...I love my Aveda and Origins products and a good bath and body works product every now and then. However, if you are going through chemotherapy, your sense of smell goes wacky (the same thing happened to me when I was pregnant!). Some people can't have plants or flowers around them when going through treatment. And food....chemotherapy wreaks havoc with taste buds and smell buds. If you are going to cook, please ask what the family wants/likes or get gift certificates. Chili is really great comfort food but not if you've had chemotherapy.

ME UPDATE: (oh yeah, during cancer diagnosis and treatment, it's all about ME/US!!!). I feel great and I look fine...it's hard to believe there are some errant cells wreaking havoc on my body. Meeting with plastic surgeons over the next two weeks; then scheduling surgery. They will not know what other treatment I will need until the removed tissue is biopsied. Praying for no chemotherapy.

OK my fellow cancer warriors, I know you have some thoughts on this subject....SHARE in the comments below!!!

SCANS ARE ALL CLEAR!!!

Can you hear my screams of joy across the blogosphere? I only have breast cancer. YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

This is a tremendous relief, but you have to wonder why it took so long to tell me. Baylor has the new Electronic Health Record thing and I wonder how implementation is going?

In other news, I decided to go copper/peach/blonde today. Who knows if I'll get to keep my hair, so while I have it...I'm going to be a little bit funky. Shout out to my hair therapist Tara at Lemongrass. The amazing Sara O - let's do something funky again too.

Happy Cinco De Mayo...this round of margaritas are on ME!!!

Silver Lining: A funky hair day beats a no hair day any day!!

Ordinary Days....

No scan results have been received. I could have called today, but truthfully I wanted an ordinary day with ordinary things...a new client meeting this morning, speaking about the exciting world of affirmative action, visiting the Komen office with my President-elect volunteer duties. Trust me when I tell you, I don't plan on missing a beat of my life. I may slow down...but my Advantage Gold card will not gather dust and I plan on business as usual. The last time around, I was a single mom with teenage hell raising boys. Some of my clients didn't even know I had cancer. True but funny story - when I finally didn't wear a wig to one of my client's office and sported my short short hair - one man who worked there remarked very loudly THAT IT TOOK QUITE A WOMAN TO SPORT THAT BOLD HAIR STYLE!!! HA!!! Bold indeed.

This whole radical mastectomy with reconstruction is very interesting. There are several different methods that can be used. Who knew? Not even me, the Queen of all things BC. I have two more plastic surgeons to interview (my, they are an interesting breed!) and a reconstruction guidebook on its way from Amazon. So I'm taking a couple of weeks to study the options and enjoy the everyday things. Thanks to everyone who has pointed me to resources and plastic surgeons (think McSteamy) (well, sometimes anyway).

Oh, and I have donated my blood and tissue to science. Some PHd/Md types at Baylor are studying the use of your own blood's antibodies for a breast cancer vaccine. I gave up several vials of blood and promises of tissue for their research.

Silver linings:

• Big Irish/Slovak/Catholic families are the greatest - already I have a cool cutting edge cancer lab connection, nutrition tips and "whatever you need"s at my finger tips - thanks my family. We may have our eccentricities from time to time, but I'm so fortunate to have been raised around you.
• Man, do my friends rock. I feel the love...keep it coming
• My Survivor sisters are sharing their experiences and their dr. boyfriends (whose boobies will they love best?)
• My children are calling me each day to check in vs. vice versa. Evelyn - you're on a boat...it's OK to relax.
• Dove - the world's greatest HRC "employee" - I didn't have her in Cancer I and she is amazing. We won't miss a beat with our clients
• Words of wisdom...from the book of sister Pam today

When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back."

Paulo Coelho

Hello darkness my old friend...

2011 was off to a really great start and the days leading up to my 50th birthday were full of joy and expectation for a year full of wonderful new experiences. I would go so far to say I was obnoxious in my countdown to celebrate 50 wonderful years of life on this earth. Alas, the Universe had other ideas...it's like they say, life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.

3 days before my 50th birthday, I was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time in my life. Happy F*ing birthday - right? I had a tearful F* it day; followed by a fantastic and wild birthday celebration. Thank you all. I felt the love. Especially from my amazing children who had no clue what to do with cancer at age 15, but on the verge of 25 (hey, that's when I had them!), figured it out. Love. I felt it.

Today, it was back to the reality that I.Have.Cancer. Again. If you'd like to keep up with me and my progress, please subscribe to my blog. It is here that I will keep you updated. When I know, I will tell you. If I need something, I will put it out there. I must confess, the telephone calls can get overwhelming - repeating the same story over and over. It's not that I don't love you and want to talk to you, I do. I just feel like a broken record.

Here's what I know. I had my annual mammogram (have you had yours?). I went in and out of the mammo room like three times. Nine different views - don't move, don't breathe on my left breast in a vice. Not fun. Ultimately, there was something "suspicious" which is cancer speak for UH OH. The area that they saw on the mammo was extremely small and was labeled "microcalcifications." In 98% of women these are benign calcium deposits. In someone with a previous cancer diagnosis, there is no commitment to this.

Four days later, suspicious was biopsied. This is a very interesting procedure where a needle was stuck in the already bruised and battered area so that cell samples could be removed and viewed under the microscope. Despite chants and prayers for calcium, calcium, calcium...I received the news that these teeny tiny spots which couldn't be felt but could be seen by the digital mammo, were indeed cancer.cancer. cancer. Small and caught early but cancerous indeed. Because I have received my lifetime supply of radiation from Cancer I, lumpectomy is not an option for me. I visited with a plastic surgeon this week about the MAJOR surgery of mastectomy and reconstruction. He was quite the smart ass, just like me.

Today, I had sonograms of all my organs; skeletal scans and full body X-rays. See the above picture. Because this is done in nuclear medicine...I am now a card carrying nuclear person. This card is to show to TSA in case I go through their scanner and emit any radioactive material. Take that Osama.

These tests are to determine if the cancer started somewhere else and moved to my breast; or moved from my breast to somewhere else. If it did, this is what is considered metastasis. Not a good word in cancer lingo. I will not have my test results back for a couple of days. The tech will not tell you the results. The radiologist and breast surgeon must review them and give you the news. I will update you when I hear - good, bad or ugly. After these tests are done, we will chart a course of action. I've been reading up on mastectomy/reconstruction and gathering information so I can make an informed decision about the surgeon I pick and the procedure I want to use. Any information on this topic appreciated and will be considered. All decisions of the judges are final however.

I've decided to call my blog Silver Linings because in every bad situation, there are silver linings. Here are mine:

• This is not my first cancer rodeo. I know the lingo and mostly what to expect. I love my breast surgeon, Dr. Grant and my oncologist Dr. Blum. They know me. I know them. We've been keeping company for nine years. I love Baylor Dallas - the new Sammons Cancer center rocks, even though I'd rather not be there.
• I have health insurance.
• I have information.
• I have an amazing support system - Pete, my kids, my family, my friends - my pink warrior sisters.
• Hmmmm...perky new breasts

What do I need? At this point, nothing!!! I don't have all the information to know where I am going. I'm the type of person who has to process, formulate my game plan and then execute!!!

I have formed my Komen race for the cure team (Support the War in My Rack) and you can join us or donate to us if you really feel the need to do something. More details to follow. As time goes on, I will let you know. I always welcome prayers.

Feel free to pass my blog post on. If my experience can help anyone, I'm all about that!! I'll apologize in advance if it's TMI...but that's me. I can't thank each of you enough - your love, concern and support got me through Cancer I. Cancer II - consider your ass kicked in advance. Peace out!!