The End....

Monday morning 6 am was the C2 grand finale: exchange surgery. Dr. McSmarty removed the heavy expanders and replaced them with the "gummy bear" implants; nipples were formed (I'm still trying to figure that out - WEIRD and NO TO pictures!);  no shopping at Home Depot (aka tummy fat) was necessary.  The surgery was uneventful and the recovery has been fairly easy.  My new Little C girls are in place.  My left side has some edema due to the frying it got during the radiation phase of C1.  Exercises have been ordered to assist but I don't think it will ever be the same.

Nothing ever will.

You can remove parts, slash, burn and rebuild; you can put on your perky and your best positive attitude...but it's a very odd feeling when "it's done."  The middle place where you move from cancer patient to cancer survivor.  Are you in remission? Cured?  One part of you knows it's a great big cause for celebration but another part of you knows it's the beginning of something else.

The silver lining in C2 is understanding this. Looking at it head on.  Excising the demons the best you can. But most of all acknowledging the new normal, living with it, allowing yourself to grieve your lost health and the parts you will never get back.  Then course correcting your own life.

There will still be plenty of dates with doctors - we'll see each other every few months until we (hopefully) tire of each other and move to less frequent visits.  In between those visits, I know that I will be re-evaluating my own life and what I choose to do with my time, talents and treasures.  Because life IS about not knowing but taking the moment and making the best of it.

I am happy to say FAREWELL to 2011. It wasn't a good year, but there were several silver linings along the way.  To those of you still "in fight" or grieving losses, I wish you some downtime to figure out how to make each moment count. To those on the road with me this year, Thank You. Let's dance with life and here's to a better 2012!!

Once more

Pete here. Guest-blogging as Terri goes under the knife once more.

We stayed over here in Dallas last night to keep from having to leave the house at 4AM. Found a cool hotel 5min from the surgery center. Met our friends Duane and Linda for dinner, tried to get some sleep.

I think I am finally starting to wake up just now as it approaches 9. Dr. Carpenter seemed very awake tho, on top of things. Being a morning person would seem to be a prerequisite for a surgeon.

Terri should be out soon.

What is love?

Remember when you were a teenager, riding your bicycle on York Street, wondering who was out there in that big world that was going to be your forever love? What was he doing right then? What would your babies look like? What IS love? Where will you find it?

OK, maybe that was just my teenage angst-y self. Yes, I was that kind of teenager - reaffirmed after finding lost journals recently.  (BTW there are about 10 boys out there I was CERTAIN were the one...but alas my wanderlust took me away from Mechanicsburg, PA...).

I've learned one thing about love that no one could explain to you while you were busy being attracted to the wrong kind of person...love isn't about looks (but they don't hurt!), love isn't about exciting (but the bad boys were fun to hang out with!), and love isn't the same as lust.  Here is what I would tell my teenage self...

Love IS...the man who weeps at your news of _______ (insert terrible thing here, like "C"); then lets you cry and be all kinds of weird emotional. And holds your hand, and tells you that it will be OK even if he's not sure it will be.  And when it's not OK, he holds your head and makes you tea and cooks you soup.  He cleans your wounds and does things you're not sure you could do for him or for yourself even. (Men who clear drains - GOD BLESS YOU. ICK!).  When you've lost your parts, he realizes you are more than the sum of them.  When you've lost your mind, he forgives you.  When you look like total s**t, he makes you feel beautiful and special.

Younger ladies - we spend a lot of time looking for the hot guy; the "successful" one; the one who will look nice on the Christmas cards beside the beautiful children.  But I am here to tell you: look for the man you will love you, care for you, laugh with you and cry with you. The man who will love you without hair and hold your head over the toilet.  He is the keeper.

When my own mother battled cancer, I watched 45 years of love culminate in those final months where my Dad gave shots in the stomach; changed IV bags; cried privately but still made my mom smile. She was his true love and we all knew it.  In one of my mom's last emails to me she said "My life is over too soon but I can't complain. I've had a loving and faithful husband and four beautiful daughters..."

So to all the caretakers and co-survivors out there - you ARE the silver lining in our battles.

My next surgery is Monday...it is day surgery and I will have the bowling ball like expanders removed and exchanged with the implants.  Pete and I will be there at 6 am and I will allow him to guest blog once more with the updates.  This is far easier surgery than the last and I get to have a date with Dr. McSmarty.  What a way to start a week and MERRY CHRISTMAS to me...new boobies!!!

Don't Worry. Be Happy.

Once you've had a cancer diagnosis and you go through SURGERY. And CHEMO. And  RADIATION. And POST CANCER DRUGS...there is a point when you ask yourself:

AM I DONE???

Am I CURED? In REMISSION? A SURVIVOR?

For so long after C1, I never felt done.  I was a ticking time bomb waiting for another lump, or bad blood work. Every headache was a brain tumor.  Fatigue was the cancer creeping back.  I was in a never ending game of baseball....9th inning, 3 balls, 2 strikes - and I was the BATTER UP.

When my head hit the pillow, I imagined how I would face a terminal diagnosis; I made plans for my children; and imagined my funeral service;  kept good records for the executor of my estate. Oh and I had fun too. I bought things I wanted. Visited amazing places.  And you would have never, ever, ever imagined this was my worry. But always, always, cancer was my constant companion.

I guess the bottom line is this:  I worried and it happened. Worry didn't change the outcome. Luckily for me, C2 wasn't the cancer of my worries.

I'm pretty sure with my family history, C3 isn't out of the question. But the way life is, a thousand shoes may drop and the unexpected will rock my world - my left field theory of life.

So I've decided to give up the worry.  And Be Happy. I hope you'll join me.

Three Days

The Komen 3 day (walking 60 miles over the course of 3 days) has been on my bucket list for quite a few years.  Because I was turning the ripe old age of 50 this year, I decided now was the time. I know the seasons are changing us because it didn't even require copious amounts of wine to get my partner in adventure Kathy to join me.  Dove, my awesome employee/business partner in Colorado was also in.  So we signed up with a group of my Komen buddies....an amazing group.

Yes, we signed up prior to the Big C2 diagnosis.  I was kind of on the fence about this event after I learned of my diagnosis, because I didn't know what kind of physical shape I was going to be in after ALL THAT. Through weird 6 degrees of separation, a member of our team's wife was going through C1 with the same dream team of doctors as me, and I took that as a sign to JUST DO IT!  So as soon as I could get off the recovery couch, I started training with my team.  We were blessed with a coach from my old employer, BNSF, and I felt ready.

What an experience.

The opening ceremonies were a tribute to the people we lost to breast cancer. Amidst the shivering in the cold that day, I had tears streaming down my face but also a fire and determination to finish STRONG in honor of our fallen soldiers... in particular, my sister Lauri who lost the fight to breast cancer and my mom, Jeanne, who lost the fight to Ovarian cancer.  When it got tough to push through, I was reminded that NOTHING out on that course was as bad as chemotherapy or the pain of losing someone you loved.

The three days were magical. I finished and finished strong with my team members.  Luckily we had some "new material" on our team and made some fast friends for life.  I think Kathy and I have worn out our life histories with each other so much so that every now and then we will be SHOCKED by a piece of information about the other that we didn't know about.  I wish I had a $ for every mile we've walked together!

I finished with no injuries, no blisters, no soreness.  Just a stronger resolve to fight this fight.  All along the race course people cheered us on and thanked us for walking. In fact, coming back to reality was tough. I'm embarrassed to say that I asked my training class for a few high fives the next week - I was missing the love!!  Probably one of my favorite images on the race course was this one because this is why we do these crazy things:

The event was a class act, but NO we didn't sleep in the tents. We opted for camp Crowne Plaza instead (thankfully - I needed a hot shower and soft bed to place my heavy with expander chest into).  Collectively we raised over $7.1 million with this one event - 2600 walkers, 450 crew members and thousands of supporters.  I was proud to be a part of it.

And to my team....1, 2, 3 BOOBIES!!!  I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Pictured here is Kathy, Teresa, Me, Dove, Jim, Renee and Allison. The seven of us walked into camp each day together, arm in arm, singing "we're off to see the Wizard." (Thanks Komen buddy Mark for catching this on film - he kept facebooking me - "where are you?" and we were right under his lens!)

To all my Komen supporters out there along the course - The Cheryl angels, Luke's Locker, Komen Dallas Staff and Volunteers...you make the cancer walk a whole lot easier!!  For those of us who have survived a breast cancer diagnosis, you cannot imagine the love and energy that was felt on the 3 day walk.  It will carry me for a long time to come.

Happy 11/11/11...hope you are feeling angels today.

PS...our team was interviewed by Channel 8 - you can check it out here:
 http://www.wfaa.com/news/Three-day-walk-raises-7-million-for-breast-cancer-research-133339253.html

Calling All Angels...

We just returned from my cousin's beautiful wedding and connecting with my Swain family relatives - a big Irish Catholic, fun and loving crowd (yes, we drink and get crazy!).  My mom loved family gatherings and felt it was always important to attend weddings, christenings, birthdays, graduations...and to celebrate with great joy - to sing, to dance, to laugh so hard you cried.

It was no surprise Angel Mom traveled with us. Day 1 we got into our Chicago B&B late. I turned on the light switch and right above it was this piece of art - it's a silk chinese print in a bamboo frame.  We had this SAME print in our home in Taiwan.  Does anyone in our family still have this? The proprietor acquired this piece at a church bazaar in the late 70s.  My mom probably got this one in the same time period during one of her travels through the orient when we lived there.  Funny, most of the art in the B&B was religious in nature or Greta Garbo - NOT oriental.

We had a great time at the wedding with the generations, including our old soul but youngest cousin. Thanks for being SWAIN GIRLS with us.  A cancer silver lining: always finding the joy in every occasion.  Meeting other fun people who are no longer strangers.  Hey you guys - if you are reading this YOU ARE FUN!!! Thanks for the shared laughter.

However, Mom wasn't done traveling with us.  We ate at a Thai Restaurant the night before we left.  This art work was hanging in the Thai restaurant:

One just like this hung in our home...a treasure from one of my mom's trips to Bangkok.  I now have it at my house!!

It seems like my mom always shows herself through art or music. My sister Lauri through the numbers 111 (I really meant to write this yesterday on 11/1/11 but the day got away from me...again). My Aunt saw 111 in several instances on her travels to the wedding. Lauri must have been traveling with them.  Mom was with us.

I was on Pandora looking for Jane Siberry's version of "Calling All Angels" to listen to while I wrote this post. It's not on their play list, so instead Sinead O'Connor's I'm Here to Mother You played.  It was appropriate.  Listen and enjoy...I think my mom is still here to mother me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lV7dRs3KYU0&feature=relmfu

You Matter More Than You Will Ever Know....

Mom and Me - First Flight

I had a busy day all mapped out today but it seemed the Universe had a different idea and I decided to follow.  All around me were strong feelings of presence by my mom and my sister.  Then my niece texted that she was having trouble starting her car and it took an hour and then she looked up and the car that was helping her was registered in 11/11 - it started.  Her mom, my sister, believed that when the numbers 111 were present it meant an angel was watching...and she used to see those numbers on cars. A LOT. 


Sometimes I feel that they are both saying LOOK! WE ARE HERE!  And today it made me sad because for all the cancer advocacy I do, and my desire to make a difference, what I really want to shout to the world is "MY MOM MATTERED. MY SISTER MATTERED." And I want them here to laugh with and hang out with, rather than mourn. Both met such untimely young cancer deaths.  My mom was 62. Two months before her ovarian cancer diagnosis, she beat every single one of us at tennis.  She didn't get to experience full retirement or the joy of becoming a great-grandmother.  


My sister was 43. She still had a 12 year old daughter at home and had two young daughters on the edge of becoming phenomenal women.  She didn't get to see her daughter bloom into a beautiful teenager driving for the first time;  the joy of a child's wedding or the birth of her first grandchild; or her entrepreneurial daughter make it big in the world (can I say it?...she is DJing  a party featuring a very famous HOT actor tonight!).

 Lauri and Me..Thanksgiving in HHI

So I hope when you see me on TV talking about early detection, or you read my blog, or you admire my strength in adversity - I want you to know that I got it from a wonderful role model and person - my Mom, Jeanne Swain - and from the inspiration of my sister Lauri Swain Campbell, my fellow breast cancer warrior.  I want you to know that I do it to honor their memories and to make their lives count.  I really believe they are with me and hope that by making a difference, I am making them proud.


Interestingly as I am writing this, niece #2 just called to share a story of a young friend, age 32, just diagnosed with breast cancer and she wants to help. HELLO LAURI - you are working hard today at getting all of us to see you. WE DO.


Sometimes the silver linings of cancer are tear stained...lives lost are tragic and sad; but lives that inspire others to make a difference turn that sadness into a brilliant burst of graceful giving. My wish is that every one of you reading this will inspire or be inspired by someone else to make a difference.


“The world is not interested in what we do for a living. What they are interested in is what we have to offer freely - hope, strength, love and the power to make a difference! ” Sasha Azevedo (with thanks to Robin Rice for that quote today - yes Mom, I am listening).

Sick and Tired of PINK?

October is breast cancer awareness month...what? You didn't know that?  It's kind of hard to miss. I recently heard someone talk about feeling sorry for the other cancers that are not pink.  I hear lots of people talking about "pink fatigue" and being "tired" of pink. ME TOO!!  It's not even my color.  I wish pink was just a color again.  Though here I am going SURVIVOR GIRL PINK. IN MY HAIR!

WHY?

Pink isn't just a color - it's a symbol and a visual reminder to talk about the previously unspeakable topics of "cancer" and "breasts" in the same sentence.  Did you know that when Nancy Brinker held her first race for the cure, 29 years ago in Dallas, TX (SHOUT OUT) the Dallas Morning News covered the event but could not write the word breast in print.  29 years ago - that is in most of our lifetimes.  She writes in her book "Promise Me" about asking companies for their support of the cause and being turned down because they didn't want to be associated with cancer.

Where would we be if one woman's promise to a sister didn't send her on a crusade to pink the world so somebody, anybody would take notice of this disease?  Let's face it, women's health hasn't always been at the forefront of medical breakthroughs.

So all this pink...it's a big, bold statement of how far we have come!  Big burly football men are even sporting it, which is causing little boys to start wearing it and most of all, PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT IT.  It's only when we talk and share that action happens...and we're not there yet but I have to believe we are on the edge of figuring this cancer thing out. And if the advances are made in breast cancer or prostate cancer or ovarian cancer or lung cancer or leukemia...I have to believe it will unlock the mystery and help everyone.

I hope that all this pink makes every woman, man and child going through this experience know they are not alone. ...and that one day, we will figure this thing out and say "remember when people got breast cancer."

50/50

Even though the movie "50/50" was a little close to home and a bit hard to watch at times - there were smiles, tears and a lot of REAL in this movie. I highly recommend it. Seth Rogen is Seth Rogen - at times his humor is crude but this movie does a great job of capturing what it's like not only for the person going through it but for the co-survivors.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMaJET7mD0M

I especially love the scene when he wants to talk about dying but no one will let him - assuring him he will "be ok." A complete melt down.  It reminded me of my own blog on said subject.

http://terrisilverlinings.blogspot.com/2011/09/l-word.html

Is anyone else following "The Big C" on Showtime?  This is another great, great TV series that captures what it's like to go through a Cancer diagnosis.  The season closer was a shocker with a great message. Ah, it seems cancer has come fully out of the closet.  We can laugh about it. And people live!

Back to my own Big C...life has turned mainly back to normal. I am training for the Komen 3 day in November and completed a 15 mile walk Saturday. It was tiring but I felt good.  Don't worry my worrying relatives, I'm not pushing myself too hard. We did three five mile hikes with plenty of rest, water and nutrition.  It feels so good to be physically active and I thank my parents for instilling a life long love of physical activity.  Endorphins don't flow in me unless I am outside and physical!

Once again in life, I bought my first bra. I don't really think I need one for its intended purpose but there are certain clothes needing something underneath. Just saying. God Bless the salespeople at Nordstrom -  you can just tell them what you are looking for and why. They don't give you sad eyes or act like it's anything out of the normal...they just direct you to  2-3 and don't let you leave until you find one that works.  And for the first time in my life, I'm a B!!!  And I love that.  I've been able to go down a shirt size on top and many bra sizes.  I know I know. We always want what we don't have right and possibly TMI.

This experience reminded me of getting my first bra.  Dang, I didn't want that thing.  I was a Tom boy who loved running, biking, playing softball and tackle football with the boys in the neighborhood.  I didn't want anything that made me different than my friend boys.  And then bicycling down the road, Kathy V lifted up her top and showed me that she had one and it wasn't too bad.  After this show and tell, we decided to rub poison ivy on our faces so that we didn't have to go to school the next day.  It was a 100/0 proposition of turning out badly.

When you think of it, most days are 50/50.  The silver lining of cancer is making sure you use your days wisely.

Down on Main Street...

Life is getting back to the new normal..well sort of because it's October and that means all things Komen - speaking engagements; media events and gearing up for Race for the Cure in Dallas.  Our team, Support the War in My Rack (aren't we clever?) is a group of strong warriors trying to make a difference. Last year as a team we raised $25,000 - this year we are shooting for $31,000 and are well on our way to doing so.  We had a kick ass fund raising event last Saturday that raised over $10,000. Tension was high - amid our regular jobs, this group of volunteers pulled together an unbelievably successful, well attended, well run event !  I was proud to be one of us  - thank you amazing SGK team and thank you to all of you who have supported us with all kinds of fabulous donations.

(SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION: WE STILL HAVE VERY COOL T-SHIRTS FOR SALE: $25 - just email me Terri@thehrconsultant.net for more details but they look like this. Props to our amazing team member Lori who pulls out a great shirt every year.)

(OH AND THE BEST PART: The back of the shirt!  The image is actually a little smaller and located in the corner. Very cool.   LOOK! ONLY $25 SOFT ALTERNATIVE APPAREL TRUE TO SIZE T. SIZES: 2XS, XS, S, M, L, XL, 2XL, 3XL - while they last!):

My co-captain Glenna started off as the sister of a long time friend that I played soccer with.  When she received the C news a couple of years back (I'm sure it feels like a distant memory), I was her mentor and shared my Dr. boyfriend with her.  This year, she mentored me back.  During this event, a friend I went to high school with in Taipei, Taiwan stopped by (I know that was like 30 something years ago -  can you believe we ended up living in the same metroplex!).  As it turned out, Glenna used to work with him!  I mean, how does this happen? All throughout the night, friends of friends turned out to be friends of friends that didn't know it.  In this great big world, it makes you stop and wonder about the people who come into your life; the path you take; the paths you cross and how we are part of the great big fabric of the world.

I feel so incredibly lucky to share the planet with these amazing people.


"Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it... All things are bound together. All things connect."

~  Chief Seattle 


SUPPORT THE WAR IN MY RACK!  http://dallas.info-komen.org/goto/TSwain

Letter to Liliana

Dear Lili: You probably won't remember this day we had together but it's one I won't forget. Only several weeks fresh from a second cancer diagnosis, having you close by to love, to hold, to laugh with was THE BEST MEDICINE EVER (as people in 2011 like to say).   Together with your daddy, your Uncle Richie, Cousin "Scara" and a few close friends, we did a photo shoot in the hot sun to tell the world that fighting cancer is important.  You and I also went to Fox TV and shot a TV commercial...you liked sitting in the news anchor's desk!  I hope you will always feel that important because you are.

As you grow up, you will come to know that on our side of the family, we have the hereditary BRACA gene mutation.  Hopefully this didn't pass on to you but there is a chance that it did.  So what does this mean for you? It doesn't mean a life of fear, but means that you should be healthy: eat your vegetables, exercise, take care of yourself, go to the doctor and make sure you get your regular check ups.  What does it mean for me? Fighting as hard as I can to see that you will grow up in a world that people will say, "Remember when people got breast cancer? Aren't you glad we figured out a way to cure that?"  I think of you every time I do my part to end it forever or help people going through it.

Grandchildren are absolutely the best silver lining of life.  I'm not so sure we'll find a cure in my lifetime, or your dad's lifetime, but I remain optimistic that you will know a world without breast cancer.

With love,
Grandma Terri

Meet Hope

Hope was conceived while recovering. As the piles of beautiful cards starting stacking up in Cancer II, against a mountain of them from Cancer I…I started to daydream about what I could do with all those powerful healing words and beautiful images.  It seemed a shame that they were stuffed in a drawer - well some were displayed, some were in a drawer, some were on my desk, some were on the counter...so many of them. THANK YOU!!!  No two alike - I loved them all. 

My niece Sara, a true artist, found an Etsy store that sold sculpted bodies and this became Hope’s canvas.

Generally, I’m the big picture thinker with the end result in mind, so it came to no surprise that I lassoed my besties ( thanks Kathy, Kristi and Lisa) into art day. I've been known to pay people to finish my projects but not this time!  The C card is still working.   After a little wine, some good music and a lot of laughs…Hope came to life.  To all of those who shared my journey with your funny cards, your inspirational messages, prayers, wisdom, tears and laughter…thank you.   Hope is filled with you.

She's not quite finished yet...still have some work to do to on her face and bling to add.  She will be entered into our Art for the Cure/Silent Auction event on October 1 in Grapevine.  Please come bid on her and if you have something you'd like to donate for the auction, let me know ASAP.  All proceeds benefit putting an end to breast cancer forever and assisting women in our community with education, screening and treatment.

Silver lining: Craft day with my friends - feels like I'm a kid again!  Reading through all the love again... can you find your card or words of encouragement on Hope?  I have to say my favorite image on hope were words from my sister Lauri on a card when Cancer I was finished - it said simply THE END. Love, Lauri. Can you find it?

Were you expecting gold? For a long time I was...

Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold. Maurice Setter

The L Word

I was going to call this post the D word...but changed my mind. But I really want to talk about the D word. First.  So I'm going to because well, this is my blog and I can die if I want to?

Anyone who has ever heard the C word, automatically jumps to the D word, because THE BIG C is a disease that takes people's lives - otherwise it would be the little C or we would just say cancer.  Having lost a mom and sister way too young to cancer = I know.  Many people don't even  like saying the word cancer because it is too scary. How's your health seems so much nicer than how's your cancer going?

Back me up my survivor sisters and brothers...didn't a diagnosis of cancer cause you to face your mortality? Think about your children without a parent or your grandchildren without you? Make sure your life insurance policy was up to date? That you have a will or have it updated? And then there's the conversations you want to have...but nobody will.  If you mention, "if I die...." you are instantly cut off with "you're not going to die. I don't want to talk about this." Here's a news flash - unless you've got some immortal super powers, we are all going to die. If we want to have a conversation about it, please let us.  We'll fight to live, but we've got to have that base covered. Just in case.

So here are my D wishes for all of you who wouldn't let me talk about it (and here's hoping it's way in the future!) :  no sad funeral - use some of my dwindling 401K savings for a party and remember the good times.  Play good music - better yet hire a band.  If the market comes back strong, maybe Dave Grohl or Adam Duritz will recognize my long time crushes and come play.  Cremate me and then when any of you are going any place really cool, take a little bit of me with you. Then scatter me somewhere amazing.  And laugh...don't cry. I have lived an amazing life.  For my children...you'll probably inherit some money - use it for experiences rather than things; cherish your own children and teach them well.  Give back to the world and to others.  Sister, go to Miraval - every year.  Please friends, come rescue a piece of my funky art so that you will have something to remember me by (Pete, pick your favorites but please let them go to good homes).

OK NOW BACK TO THE L WORD!

I know I've dodged the C bullet twice (see last post).  If there is anything that a potentially life saving disease teaches you - it is this.  LIVE and LOVE FULLY.  If you want to go to Italy, go. Don't wait until you retire. Figure out a way to do it.  If you want to learn a new musical instrument, do it. Now. If you hate your job, quit.  Find something better to do.  If you're in a toxic relationship - get out of it.  Rid yourself of negative people. Surround yourself with things and people you love. Let them know how much you love them. Cancer was a wake up call for me to L large - to help others, to travel, to enjoy my family and friends and BUY THE SHOES!

As we approach the anniversary of that horrific day in September...it is a time to remember that life doesn't give us any guarantees.  C1 for me was four months after this happened.  Chemotherapy was brutal but thinking of people burning or jumping from fiery buildings put life in perspective.

Here's hoping you are enjoying your L as much as I am enjoying mine!!

The stars look very different today...

Exactly two months ago I had my body-altering surgery.  Today I had a follow up visit with CONFIRMED Dr. McSmarty* and my oncologist Dr. B.  Best news: I am cleared to start exercising again, lifting again and swimming when one tiny part is healed!!!  Right on time with the weather turning to a chilly 80 something!!!  YAY YAY YAY...  My exchange surgery to get the implants will happen on December 12, 7 am.  Recovery time should only be a week or so.

Dr. Blum has been my oncologist for 10 years now.  We kind of have a love/lesser love kind of relationship.  I believe that I am Major Tom and she is Ground Control.  But she wants to be Major Tom...probably because of all those extra years in medical school.   She spent a lot of time with me today and I will say I love her because she is VERY SMART. She is the director of the genetic breast cancer oncology stuff and she has been personally interested in me and my family history for quite some time.  She said that my recent diagnosis was presented in their breast symposium and it had the attention of many in the department.

Sometimes she and I have lesser love because she has been SO ADAMANT that with my family history, I should have gotten rid of the girls a long time ago. Every visit was a push for the  just-in-case-double-mastectomy.  Every visit I would tell her no.  She used all kinds of persuasion techniques: new breasts, less chance of recurrence, perky breasts, less chance of recurrence, family history, less chance of recurrence... I just wasn't ready to lop off body parts just in case. She would even say things like "Do you want to get breast cancer again?"  And of course I would tell her yes, it's such a character building experience just so that I could be snarky Major Tom.   So today our conversation went sort of like this:

Dr. B: I hate to be the one that says I told you so, but....I TOLD YOU SO.  I don't know why you didn't get rid of your breasts years earlier and save yourself all this trouble.

Dr. B: You know you dodged a big bullet?

Dr. B: I was watching for your pathology results and I want you to know that I was doing the HAPPY DANCE when I found out your results (I guess she was in the NO NODE CHANTING TOO!).  I was ecstatic. I was so happy for you. INSERT ACTUAL HUG HERE, (which is a really big deal because she's not really the warm and fuzzy type but she is REALLY SMART).  I mean, no one wants to go through chemotherapy again, it's awful, that's why I wanted you to have them removed.  I'm so glad you don't have to do chemotherapy.

ME (you notice I don't get a whole lot in here): and this from someone who's never had chemotherapy.

Dr. B: Well, I do go through it vicariously (note to Dr. Blum: it's NOT the same, but OK you do get to see the wreckage from chemo every day of your professional life).

Dr. B: Why did you take so long to have your surgery - you were diagnosed in April and had it in July?

ME:  I was interviewing plastic surgeons.  Again, Major Tom here....

Then we had a lot of talk about plastic surgeons and choosing doctors, and she said she felt special that I had picked her (I didn't have the heart to tell her I didn't interview oncologists - I love Dr. Grant and he made the referral).  She concurred that Dr. McSmarty* was an amazing Plastic Surgeon and SMART TOO!  Did I mention that we love our ground control to be smart?

Again, I feel so fortunate that I have been diligent about my health; have a great health care team and the resources to access them.  Think I'll go float in my tin can.

In case you missed it, here is my two minutes of local fame.
http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/news/fox_4_features/hometown_heroes/Hometown-Hero-Terri-Swain

Support the War in My Rack!

This is a little video I put together for our Komen Dallas Race for the Cure team.  The picture you see before you hit the arrow is me with my friend Glenna, when she was finishing up treatment.  We stood on the stage of the Komen Dallas race and looked out into the sea of survivors.  It was an emotional moment.  I shared Dr. Grant with Glenna.  (I wonder how many boobies he feels in a year anyway?).  This year she mentored me and shared her plastic surgeon with me. (She used the other guy in the same office).  Glenna is now my partner in crime in our war on cancer.  This is a war we can ALL BELIEVE IN!!  Come join our team on October 15 at North Park Center.  We are going to have a good time.

http://dallas.info-komen.org/goto/MYRACK

Silver linings: Learning that indeed, the whole world is connected!  Having a friend who has "been there done that" to share with is precious.  To all my survivor sisters out there who have shared their experiences and cancer boyfriend doctors with me - THANK YOU.

PS. Having my best post M week!

Pimping my C (again!)

If you live in Dallas, you recognize this amazing lady at a glance...no, not me. I'm just almost famous but anchor Clarice Tinsley (or CT as the Fox folks call her)  is a Dallas institution.  She is a fierce Komen supporter and has worked tirelessly with us to get the messages out about Breast Cancer (and she is a genuinely nice, warm, human being - you just love her when you meet her).  Fox 4 is a long-time Komen Dallas partner, broadcasting our race live each year.  Working with her, and the Fox 4 staff, is always pure joy.  We spent a couple of hours together today talking about my C stories and my volunteer passion: Komen Dallas.  For this, I get to be a hometown hero.  I can't say that I feel like a hero...just an ordinary person trying to make her cancer count.  I know that I share to a fault, but I often feel if I can help just one person our there all that TMI will have come to some good use.

Today's opportunities included the age old female dilemma: finding something to wear.  Most of my clothing was purchased with the larger breasted woman in mind, so finding something that fit up top was a challenge.  After trying about 6 different tops on, I found a pink one to work - ironically one I bought after C1 and held on to!! CRISIS AVERTED.  Thank God I was having a good hair day and again was reminded that a bad hair day beats a no hair day any day.

I am really starting to feel like myself again. I have slept in my own bed for about a week!  I have more range of motion - physical therapists are amazing people.  I will see my doctor next week and hopefully he will tell me that my wounds are healed enough to start working out.  Then my endorphins will come back to me....I have missed you. This grouchy girl needs a smile on her face.

The hometown hero story will be broadcast next week and I will find the clip and share (of course!).

After C1, my aunt made me an amazing quilt out of my old 'do rags and race t-shirts along with some pictures about my journey to OZ.  Clarice loved the story that this quilt told (and I cried and was touched when my aunt gave it to me) and it will be prominently displayed in our TV piece, as well as the promo for the piece.  I'm going to save that visual to share when the story comes out.

We shot the story at the Komen Dallas office and was reminded how awesome it is to be surrounded by such talented pink warriors.  Thanks for the BLING C-Pain....over and out....I AM T.SWAIN

No More Bad Hair Days, Finding a Silver Lining in a battle with Cancer

My sister Lauri wrote a column for the Hilton Head Monthly when she was battling breast cancer for the second time. I've been really missing her...she has been my inspiration to fight and was the inspiration for the name of my blog. These are her words with a little paraphrasing and commentary from me in ( ):

Your life is moving along, you have your usual bumps and curves in the road. Then one day you hit a pot hole (you can see we grew up in PA). You are forced to take a different route - the scenery has totally changed. You have been given a diagnosis of cancer.

The next thing you know you are spending a day going over tests and X-Rays, woking on finding a treatment plan and a way to save your life. Your doctors are now your tour guides. In the coming weeks and months, these doctors will become your closest friends on your new journey. The staff and nurses put up with all my friends who come along to make sure I don't make a run for it when no one is looking.

Every three weeks I spend my day with a diverse group of people.We all come from different places, we are young and old. But we have one thing in common - sharing the same disease. We are able to open up and talk about our hopes and fears. We help each other get through that one day that we always dread, but which we also know is a day of hope - that today's treatment will cure our cancer.

We come with our scarves, ball hats, wigs and sometimes just bald. Like in everyday life, we have the cancer "fashionable," the cancer "comfy," and the cancer "can't figure out what my look is" dressers. (Lauri looked great sporting the bald head!)

Some of us are traumatized by our hair loss - mostly because it lets you know that we are fighting a disease that could take our lives. When you see us, remember that we were once just like you and our lives changed one day in an instant.

However, instead of being sad for us, think about how easy, as women, our lives have become. No more shaving - hey, big time saver in the morning, and arm pits - hello. No bikini lines to worry about. (I can still picture her saying this).

How about the money we are saving on hair cuts, color and highlights? And waxing? No more worries about eyebrows, bikini lines, and let's not forget the famous Brazilian wax. Not for me - my hair fell off effortlessly. And what about the legs? When you're 5'10" (yes, you read that right, I am the oldest but the runt of the family), my gosh, I would spend an extra 20 minutes shaving every day. Need I say more?

I think I can speak for my fellow cancer friends when I say thanks for the love, the dinners, the phone calls and the visits at just the right moment when we are feeling down. You all know you are and we couldn't go through this without you. (AMEN!).

My best friend, from down under, always reminds me of the three things we need in life: something to love, something to hope for and something to look forward to. (Ah, Nick...such a great, great friend to my sister - he traveled many times from Australia to Hilton Head to visit her and she was able to make her long awaited trip to see him there. High school buddies from when we lived in Taiwan. How much joy his friendship brought her).

Please remember, the next time you see one of "us" - that a little wink or whistle is just what we need. And don't be envious because we no longer have bad hair days.

(I MISS YOU LAURI...)

Small Victories

Hello handbag! Today was the first day that I could carry my purse on my shoulder without it hurting. This is a small victory and I am taking back everything I've ever said about men and their cargo pants. I am taking back everything I've ever said about men who leave all their change in the cup holder in the car. Life without a purse makes it hard to be organized and all those pockets and cup holders become functional if you don't carry a murse or a purse. I was happy to transfer all my drink splattered crusty coins into my actual wallet.

My handbag and I went on a field trip to see our boyfriend Dr. Grant at Baylor Dallas. I learned that I will never again need a mammogram, a sonogram or an MRI of my breasts. Oh that's right, because I don't have any. Instead, I will come in for regular quickie feel-ups from Dr. Grant. I guess he will be my boyfriend for life. There is only a small, small chance of any kind of cancer returning in the chest area - if it did, it would be in the tissue and that they can only detect by the feel up method.

Dr. Grant reports that everything is healing nicely - the radiated skin tissue from C1 is behaving very nicely. I have pretty much full range of motion with both of my shoulders. Physical Therapy has worked wonders. Today I felt really physically GREAT for the first time since my surgery. But still, not cleared to work out - no jumping, no bouncing, no messing with the still open wound. No swimming, no walking outside but I can go walk in the mall or someplace air conditioned. No to the treadmill in the gym. He was a little too Dr. No No for me today but I am complying and I am not complaining.

If you are thinking of not working out because you're not motivated, please go do a workout for me. Trust me, if you couldn't do it, you would want it.

Today's silver linings:

Carrying a purse the old fashioned way!

No more mammograms!! But this does NOT, and I repeat DOES NOT, excuse you from getting yours.

C- Rant

Six weeks post surgery now and I had expected to feel better than this. No, I'm not in pain. Yep, I am working and doing most of my usual things. But do you know how heavy doors are? Or when you are in crowds, how many people get in your personal space? Or how many people as a matter of course pat you on the back? And it's amazing the number of things that require use of your chest muscles. Opening jars. Taking off your shirts. Shaving your legs. Giving and receiving hugs.

It totally sucks not being able to work out. Or to hold my granddaughter...or carry her...or just crush her up against me and squeeze her tight. Not being able to sleep in my own bed, or sleep on my side (my preferred method of sleeping). Springing leaks where fluid build up is trying to get out...my God I feel like I am nursing again.

Hard right or left turns are tough, turning the whole way around to look at traffic is almost impossible and closing the car door is still difficult. Don't drive anywhere near me! I'm not totally safe.

I could go shopping. I have the money and the time. But not sure what this body is really going to shake out like. I have a brand spanking new pool - it is very, very, very nice, in 100 degree killer heat in Texas and I can only enjoy it waist deep. There comes a time in every C Journey where you are just so dang tired of it all. You want your regular life back, but your life is never regular again.

OK OK I know, this is the silver linings blog and mine went all rusty. I am thankful for Physical Therapists and having insurance that pays for it all. Hopefully it will get me back to the silver lining.

Thanks for letting me get this off my aching chest. I feel better already. Now who hid my chocolate?

Hey YOU, I'm talking to YOU!

Komen team kick off was this week and it was amazing. Our honorary race chair this year is Leslie Ezelle, former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, and design star contestant and passionate breast cancer survivor. Talk about energy! She's got it and she's a genuinely nice, caring, concerned person. Watch her on Design Star, HGTV (which I've been watching too much of in my recovery mode...but it's like crack for the immobile).

I heard an alarming statistic at this rally - 50% of women who have health insurance and access to health care and who are over 40 DO NOT GET THEIR ANNUAL MAMMOGRAMS. And then I got to thinking about some of you near and dear to me (you KNOW who you are) who don't get your regular mammogram and this is alarming. (Here's where I get to pour on the Catholic guilt thing I learned from my upbringing).

I was diagnosed at 41 and then again at 50. I started having mammograms at the age of 35 because of my family history and a wonderful doctor (thanks Dr. Mendez) who was vigilant about screening. Both times, the lumps were too small to be detected by feel alone. Both times caught early and treatable and here I am to tell you about it.

You may think you don't need to be screened because you don't have a family history of breast cancer. NOT TRUE! The biggest risk factors for getting breast cancer are being female and getting older. Yes, if you have family history BE MORE VIGILANT - but everyone get screened regularly! Of course, this isn't just mammograms...get your colonoscopy when you turn 50, do blood work regularly, have your stress test (watch Dr. Oz and you'll learn all the tests you should be doing). Being proactive about your health is key to surviving and thriving in this life.

A lot of my volunteer time is spent assisting women who want and need education and screening but can't get it because of resources. Their breast cancers are typically found at stages III and IV when they are harder to treat. So for those of you that have access to these, please, please, please,utilize them. THEY ARE YOUR SILVER LINING. Grab some friends and make a day out of it.

OK, off my soap box and back to C2...ME. I feel like there are a couple of people in my chest having a boxing match. It's not painful but is super uncomfortable. I'm regularly working and driving and getting around, but I still can't lift more than 4 pounds, can't work out and I'm watching a lot of HGTV. We've had the hottest July on record, no rain and August is following suit...a cool day is a 100 degree day. Whaaaaaaaaa...

My silver linings - meeting amazing new warriors and having the ability to be an advocate and mentor for the women around me.

Pictured here are two of Lauri's daughters, Shaz and Madeline with me at last year's race for the cure, a family tradition. This week Madeline and Lauri's other daughter Sara were visiting me. These three young women are amazing human beings and I know their Mom is smiling down from heaven on the extraordinary strong, independent women they are becoming.

Now get off the computer and get on the phone...schedule your mammo. It's your best ammo.

Here we go again

This is my beautiful buy-one-get-one-free daughter with her baby Lee. Her dad and I didn't stay together but she and I cannot be separated...it seems we are joined at the breast. She is 31 years old and last week she discovered a small lump. Even though she's not related to me biologically, she too has a family history of breast cancer in her family. Luckily, she was informed enough to go directly to the doctor to get it checked. He confirmed that it was a suspicious tiny lump and suggested watching it.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

NEVER! She lives in Houston and is fortunate that her mom works at MD Anderson - the famous cancer center. She has an appointment today to have it completely checked out and C ruled out. I'm proud of her for taking charge of her health - she is Major Tom and everyone else is Ground Control.

Prayers that all is clear!

Silver Lining: Talking, talking, talking about breast health and breast cancer makes a difference not only to our peers, but to the generations below. They are watching us.

Fill 'er up...

Today was my last fill at the plastic surgeon. My left shoulder isn't moving the way it should, so I have to have some Physical Therapy to get it moving properly. I'm off all of my narcotic pain medication and just feel really tight across the chest area. Still not cleared for exercise or swimming but healing right along. I don't have to see him for another six months unless something is wrong. Feeling stronger every day.

Our granddaughter Lili is visiting us for awhile, and keeping up with her is keeping me on my toes. She totally understands that Grandma has an Owee and can't carry her. I was reluctant to show her my wounds. However her curiosity combined with an unwillingness to be apart from me for very long solved that. A little scrunched face when she saw the wounds, but then she was over it. Me too.

My Komen Dallas Race for the Cure team, Support the War in My Rack, is having an art for the cure event in early October. I must admit to being an artist wannabe. So what to do with all these amazing get well cards and wishes? I got this great idea that I could develop a collage piece with bits and pieces from the cards, so I started to go through the stacks (THANK YOU EVERYONE! I'm a card junkie!!) to start formulating my idea (all ideas welcome - I usually am good on ideas but poor on execution). Anyway, I ran across this card my angel sister Lauri sent me before she passed away. It stopped me in my tracks and I'm sure was a sign she was saying hello. It made me cry as I read her words:

"Ter..I hope you know how much I appreciate all the love and support and OK...love the play money too - what would we all do w/out each other? I know I was having some rough times after "retiring" - you were always there to bitch w/me and let me cry - now with the big "C" thing you have been a rock for me - I love you and wish you were closer. I love you. Lauri

So for today, count the silver linings in your life that are the people close to you. Make their life a little easier. Let them bitch and cry, then help pull them up. Be their rock.

Pump it up!

Not a whole lot to report...and sometimes that is the silver lining of life! I went to the Plastic Surgeon yesterday for another saline injection to continue stretching the skin. I drove myself there - another milestone for me - a big driving excursion to the City. He thought this would be the last one, but NO...one more next week. I continue to feel like I have water balloons in my chest because well, I do. He states that everything is healing and behaving like it should. The "Exchange" (water balloons for gummy bear implants) will take place about 3 months after the last PUMP IT UP. So around October/November.

I'm still restricted on exercising BOO HOO...except for lifting the weights over my head. The right ones goes pretty good but this left side gets about half way and won't go any further...OUCH! I keep trying.

Our pool construction project is moving right along so maybe being able to swim will help.

I've read about 100 books; watched a bunch of movies and bad TV. I'm ready for my old active life back but all in time....So get out there and move for me!

Rock of Love...

Pictured here is my high school Journalism teacher. She is a rock star, not because she's standing beside Bret Michaels of Poison/Rock of Love, etc. etc. but because she's standing beside him as his former English teacher. Yes, we went to the same high school but he was younger. I'm sure she touched his life like she touched mine.

She and I have stayed in touch over the 30 plus years since I left high school (and she looks the same as she did 30+ years ago!). She always wanted to be an actress and eventually was one, but I think teaching was her true calling.

Mrs. Rowe, or Linda as we can now call her, caught up with my blog the other day and said "Wow, you're writing is beautiful." Well of course it is, I learned from the best! So for those of you who have enjoyed my writing, my love of writing was nurtured and encouraged by this amazing teacher. My days spent on the high school newspaper staff were some of the funnest times in my life - taking on the administration for editorial freedom; meeting friends for life; and learning the power of creative expression.

There have been many teachers who positively impacted me over the years, but none so much as her. Writing has been my life line during difficult situations in my life...it is so cathartic to get it all out there. High school wasn't always an easy time in life, but she was indeed a Silver Lining.

With a wave of the wand...

The most precious thing in my world is this sweet little 3 year old granddaughter of mine. She is going through a phase where she doesn't like to be called by her name...she is either princess, mermaid or baby - depending upon her mood and environment. Her toy box is filling with magic wands, crowns, princess dresses - capes and shoes to match which we indulge alongside the soccer ball and the baseball bat. We got a surprise visit from her yesterday and she spent the night with us but it was killing me not being able to squeeze her and put her on my lap to read to.

The conversation sort of went like this....

Princess: Gumma, you have an Owee on your boobies?

Gumma (that would be me): Yes, I have bandans (her word for bandaids) on them. They hurt so I can't pick you up.

Princess: Did the doctor give you medicine?

Gumma: Yes he did and I am going to be OK

Princess: I'll wave my magic wand and make it all better...and she did.

Silver Lining: Believing in magic again!

Tears of Joy...Sighs of Relief...NO NODES!

For all of you who stormed heaven with your prayers; who meditated and chanted with me for "No Nodes;" who held me up through all the dark uncertain days; who nourished me with food and company and yes, even my country neighbor who assured me if anything needed shot, he was my man...A GREAT BIG COSMIC THANK YOU.

Pete and I went to visit Dr. McSmarty, the Plastic Surgeon today. We arrived at his office at 11:11 am. For those of you who have been on this journey for many years with me, you know that I lost my younger sister Lauri to breast cancer at the age of 43, and my wonderful mother to Ovarian cancer when she was 62. When Mom passed away, Lauri got into numerology and would point out that whenever the numbers 1111 or 111 would show up, it meant that an angel was watching over you. She would see these numbers in weird places, like on a license plate, when she was thinking of my mom. To her it meant mom was saying "HEY. Look at me. I'm here." When we lost Lauri, we started seeing these numbers too. So of course today, when the appointment started at 11:11 - it was surely a sign my sister who had walked with me through this disease before, and my mom, were certainly with me now.

Dr. McSmarty assured us that everything was healing perfectly and was looking better than expected. He gave me a couple of more exercises to do (YAY!) and told me that next Tuesday he hopes to have all the fills done. With this appointment completed, we went over to our Happy Place for lunch, Two Sisters, and had some great nutritious salads. Then over to Dr. Grant's office to find out the pathology of this most recent cancer. Tension was high.

Boy, Dr. Grant was chit chatty today. Taking his time feeling up the new boobies, marveling at his masterwork and giving me more exercises (with weights! YAY!); talking about his vacation and what he was reading. BLAH BLAH BLAH...HEY, what about those nodes? He was getting there which I thought was a sign there was bad news coming.

Then he said - CLEAR! Nothing in the nodes. Nothing in the breast tissue from either breast. The teeny tiny cancer that could not be felt but only seen through amazing new diagnostic mammography equipment at Baylor was contained. What this means, is NO CHEMOTHERAPY. Having been down that road before, I was braced for a re-run but dreading it. People who have had chemotherapy, I know you feel me. It's not as bad as it looks on TV or the movies but trust me it's no walk in the park either. I still have long term effects from C1 Chemotherapy.

Then Dr. Grant hugged me. I know what this means - parting is such sweet sorrow. I will see him occasionally but he is moving on to a new steadier girlfriend. I wish them both luck. Pete and I were teary eyed - and we were Facebook posting and text messaging the good news simultaneously from Dr. G's office. We were keeping it together pretty good, until check out time and Pete looked over at the little label holder on the nurse's desk pictured above - 11:11. Then I lost it...and his staff was all looking at me weird until I was finally able to explain the connection. The office manager said her husband was into the 11:11 thing too.

I've never cried in Dr. Grant's office before - I've cried in the elevator and in my car. I've hugged many crying people in the hall and the elevator from Dr. Grant's office. I'm sure the waiting room people thought I had just received some horrible news with my sobbing...but how do you explain tears of joy? Tears of relief? Tears of grief - knowing a sister and a mother left you here on earth but continue to watch over you in heaven? I know for sure today that angels were walking with me.

And if you've ever had any disbelief that positive energy, prayers, good karma etc. work...I am here to tell you that this energy could move mountains and change the world. I feel lucky to have friends, family and strangers who were willing to pray with me for this great outcome. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I hope I can be there for you when you need a friend, a prayer, a chant.

So next steps...

Next week I go for my final fill in the expanders, then will talk with Dr. McSmarty about when the exchange surgery will happen and we'll swap out the expanders for the perkier implants. Size C. I'm enjoying being a smaller girl this time around.

Silver Linings:

Reaffirmed belief that people are basically pretty awesome and will come together for a common cause. We have more in common than our differences.

Early Detection has been life saving for me and I thank God I have the knowledge, the discipline and the health insurance to get my regular mammogram.

Have you gotten yours?

Anticipation....

A big shout out to Komen Greater Fort Worth...this was their snow-girl prior to an April race. When I tell you that the weather in Texas is crazy...it is. We can have an 80 degree spring day followed by an ice or snow storm, followed by an 80 degree day. Right now we are at something like 26 days over 100 degrees so far this summer... 20 of them consecutive days. This picture makes me feel a little cold but with a big warm smile because my Komen family is cool like that.

I am not doing well just hanging out at home. I mean there's only so much work I can do; bad TV to watch and books to read. I'd really like to be out walking, doing Pilates and enjoying my gym workouts. I MISS THEM. Those of you who have the option to exercise or not, don't take it for granted. Limited mobility is not fun. OK pity party over.

Everything appears to be healing nicely and I am getting around somewhat. I can drive but if I push it too much, I feel exhausted the next day, so I'm begrudgingly slowing down. Dr. Grant explained that I would start feeling really good, then start feeling like I was being compressed from the inside, and then feel better again. I'm in the compressed mode. So much pulling, tugging, soreness. OUCH. I wasn't going to refill on the good drugs but I think I need to. Yesterday was a two pain pill day.

Tomorrow is our appointments with the plastic surgeon for more saline fill in the expanders. Then we'll see Dr. Grant and get the dreaded or anticipated pathology report. Pete has the day off so lucky him, he will get to hang out at Baylor spa too! Based on the attributes of the cancer cells and breast tissue they removed, we will know if further treatment is necessary. If it is, I get handed off to oncologist. You've got one day to help me with no node chanting and praying and then we'll know. NO NODES NO NODES NO NODES.

Pool construction starts Monday.

Silver Linings:

Pain medicine that works. I'm not a drug person but it's nice to know it's there.

Good health insurance, I've maxed out deductible...on auto cruise right now.

The Big C on Showtime...please check out this show Monday nights. I think it's the best thing on TV right now and believe me, I'm watching A LOT OF BAD TV and too much HGTV.

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road

Clicking the heels and one step closer to home this week. Yesterday we had the first follow up appointment with Dr. McSmarty (girls, let's face it - it's better to have a smart one than a pretty one), the Plastic Surgeon. He looked at how I was healing and said AWESOME...the radiated breast is acting like a radiated breast - those 40 treatments of heavy dose radiation 9.5 years ago in C1, has made that skin difficult to work with - but not impossible!

The two drains I had on either side of me were removed and it didn't hurt a bit, although it was weird because they were snaked around the entire breast area and the tube was much larger than I expected it to be. FREEDOM! Having those pesky things removed is a huge step in recovery and mobility.

He added 100 ccs of saline into each breast. We'll do this one or two more times, and then there is an exchange surgery to put the implant in. There's a new Gummy Bear implant that they are using - thanks John and Clare on the heads up about that. Yes, it feels like a gummybear. Sure, you can touch them when they're in - I won't feel a thing!!

I am feeling some tightness across the breast area from the new saline expanding my skin. However, I'm off painkillers completely and moving to Advil. You know what that means? YES. I enjoyed my first glass of post surgery wine. Ahhhh

No news on the nodes - so keep up the prayers and chanting. The breast surgeon has not called me about the results. The plastic surgeon didn't have them and I am seeing them both next Thursday. If they don't call me, I'm not calling them. I'll just find out next week and enjoy my drain-free life right now. If I have to do additional chemotherapy, they will not put in the gummy bears until I'm finished with that.

So my fellow Texans, is it HOT OR WHAT? I can't wait until I'm able to get out and about exercising but in the mean time, we decided we needed a pool so that project starts NOW. Swimming will be great therapy and a great way to beat the heat. And maybe we can more easily lure you out to see us.

Silver Linings:

Driving!

Wine!

Return to normalcy, if only for awhile. Pete heads back to work on Monday.

Drain(ed)

Necessity is the mother of invention and thank God for this invention from healincomfort.com the same place that invented the mastectomy shirt with the hidden pockets and velcro closures I blogged about earlier. This is sort of a Terri the Tool Man kind of look, but your pesky drains fit in here and then you can hide your shirt over the construction belt. I have a drain from both of my incision sites under my arm...this is really the only thing hurting and it's not like #10 pain or anything...it's like a tugging kind of occasional pain. I just have to say ouch and readjust my body recalling pilates stances - then it's all good.

Day 2 at home. I have been able to be up and about most of today; eating regularly and had a great night's sleep after I discovered that I cannot, I repeat cannot take two pain pills. Although the doctor said I could take two, I definitely SHOULDN'T...really weird dreams, narcotic hangover...maybe this is what tripping is like. I don't know - I missed that part of the 70s but I definitely didn't like it. For those of you who tried to peer pressure me 30 years ago, glad I passed. Missed nothing.

Listening to new Foo Fighters - thanks my music friend BB - awesome recovery music!

Had visits yesterday and today - nice to see you!

On the news front - I GOT NOTHIN'. I go back to see the plastic surgeon next week to see if one or both drains can be removed. Once they are producing 30 ml or less per day, they are goners. This takes anywhere from a few days to a few weeks - depending on what your body is doing. The drains are using gravity to pull bodily fluids away from your incision, avoiding hematomas, lessening infection and other nasty things - a great invention for surgery recovery.

No pathology for about another week too...

Silver linings:

Sometimes a no news day is the best kind. Who else is tired of Casey Anthony?

Happy would have been 48 Lauri

Bittersweet day. Home and feeling on the mend...better living through chemistry. Feeling lots of love and support...thank you! When I tell you it is these small gestures of support with big love I mean it. I would trade my Tiffany ring for it (but who would get it?).

Pete's UVA engineering degree is paying high dividends. He has already found a way to get me cleaned up. Omg it's the simple things in life that bring you the most joy, Clean at last! The drain thing is under control and this healincomfort.com shirt is making things way easier. Pete has rigged the recliner so I have a remote..we are hunkered down at home. So much better than the hospital even though Baylor Spa is a great place.

I am in total love with my plastic surgeon. When I asked if he brought his "A" game he told me he didn't have a B game and it often drives people crazy. Not me..he was able to use my skin for the reconstruction without having to take my back muscle. Recovery will be easier. There are expanders stretching out my skin and I will go through a several week process to blow up the area and then the permanent perky implant is inserted. Nipples are tattooed on after the permanent implants go in so it seems my life Does have a tat in its future. Never say never.

My pathology report will not be back for a week so keep the no nodes chanting going. I think the universe is listening.

I must say I expected to feel some mourning for the girls. But I'm actually enjoying the smaller size. A little bruised and battered right now but I can see perky in my future. My only pain has been a tugging feeling on my right side, but I'm calling on my years of Pilates practice to help me move and breathe to avoid pain.Thanks Laura...can't wait to get back to it!

I woke up at 1:11 am remembering that today would have been my sister's 48th birthday - it doesn't seem possible that it's been over 4 years since she's been gone. She and I shared this disease for so many years, until she lost the fight. How many times I've wanted to ask her about her experience, get advice or just say F cancer. I miss you Laur and will keep fighting to end this disease or make it better for those less fortunate.

It's also my amazing cousin's wedding day today and I'm sad to miss it..she is a c survivor too. Pittsburgh: we are family! That's me with you dancing the night away! A toast to Ali and Carlos to make time for the important things in life and to always find the silver linings.

Here are mine:
Bendy straws
Hand held showers and camping chairs
Facebook-yes I fought it but it has helped me stay connected
Watermelon ...crisp and cool for a record breaking Texas heat wave