Please don't ask me if I've watched Stepmom

What do you do or say when someone you know has cancer? The C word is very scary...it's often followed by the D word, which is scarier. All of us have probably known someone who survived cancer and someone who died from cancer...and it's hard to know what to do or say. So here's a few of my pointers:

Don't retreat... we need you now more than ever. The diagnosed person may retreat in order to process or fight or hold on tight. Take your cues not to crowd them in, but let them know you are thinking of them. A kind word - by email, text, facebook or snail mail is always a good thing. Phone calls are kind of tough for me, but if you know you're dealing with a phone person, a short message.

Think about your words. This is not the time to talk about your Aunt Sally that died from breast cancer. This is the time to talk about your friend Sue who beat it three times. This is not the time to ask "Are/Were you a smoker?". Take your cues from your dearly diagnosed: if she feels like saying F**K...let her say it and say it along with her. If she wants to be in cancer warrior mode, get your WHOOP ASS on. If she wants to be negative, don't be sally sunshine. If he wants to pray, take him to church and pray along with him. And yes, we saw Stepmom and the Family Stone. We know the moms with cancer both died and we're not going to.

Ask. What do you need? What can I do for you? If you don't get a response, think about who they are and what they treasure. What brings joy? If the diagnosed holds family dear and has young children at home, just taking them out with your family for "normal" is the greatest gift of all. Person who loves a clean house but doesn't have the energy? Merry Maids. A reader: Books. To the family who took my 16 year olds to Hooters during Cancer I, the irony was not lost on me, but it was an amazing act of love. To my friends who know I love to exercise, pulling me off the chemo couch to go for a walk or putting up with my lame soccer skills made me feel normal. To the BFF who planted pretty flowers in my garden, I enjoyed them all chemo long. And the metal wig party when my own lovely locks were gone, brought a smile and a few tears. I've learned that there are people out there that are chomping at the bit to do something for you and if you don't tell them what you need, you'll get a bunch of bath and body products to show for it. Which leads me to my next pointer.

Avoid gifts and foods with smells. Don't get me wrong...I love my Aveda and Origins products and a good bath and body works product every now and then. However, if you are going through chemotherapy, your sense of smell goes wacky (the same thing happened to me when I was pregnant!). Some people can't have plants or flowers around them when going through treatment. And food....chemotherapy wreaks havoc with taste buds and smell buds. If you are going to cook, please ask what the family wants/likes or get gift certificates. Chili is really great comfort food but not if you've had chemotherapy.

ME UPDATE: (oh yeah, during cancer diagnosis and treatment, it's all about ME/US!!!). I feel great and I look fine...it's hard to believe there are some errant cells wreaking havoc on my body. Meeting with plastic surgeons over the next two weeks; then scheduling surgery. They will not know what other treatment I will need until the removed tissue is biopsied. Praying for no chemotherapy.

OK my fellow cancer warriors, I know you have some thoughts on this subject....SHARE in the comments below!!!