You are greater than the sum of your parts..

During Cancer I...Pete and I were pretty new in our relationship and he left this very powerful message for me: You are greater than the sum of your parts. We had just left the meeting with the breast surgeon where I had 1,000 questions and one decision to make: lumpectomy or mastectomy? I was 40 years old, with a tiny lump in my left breast... and I just wasn't ready to let go of my breasts at that time. A few years later, I tested positive for the BRACA 2 gene mutation (the one that tells you that you are high risk for breast cancer). My oncologist was strong in her opinion that I should have a "just in case mastectomy". I still wasn't ready to let go of the girls and the idea of a just in case mastectomy didn't feel right for me. She and I had always discussed that "If" C were to return then this would be our option.

So here we are almost a decade later...and it's the decision that I have had 10 years to reconcile with. I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about mastectomy and the various types of reconstruction available. I have been contemplating the new girls - smaller and more lifted. I have been interviewing plastic surgeons. And each night, I imagine myself without my beautiful breasts. Ah, the complicated relationship with them....forcing me to wear a bra when I wasn't ready (my tomboy days were soon over!); attracting male attention in good ways and bad; providing sustenance to my beautiful twin baby boys (sorry for the visual boys); having to double bag to play soccer (sorry everyone else for the visual); and now, for the second time, the site of the cancer cell invasion.

Did anyone watch Oprah with Chaz Bono? She always felt she was a man and hated her breasts. In becoming a man, he was set free with no breasts. I couldn't help comparing experiences - he wants his to go; I want to save mine. All for the same reason, to feel comfortable in our own skin.

Then I think of women with small breasts who want bigger ones; all the plastic surgery to make them bigger or smaller... and it's all just so crazy...but at the end of the day, they are just parts. We are all greater than the sum of them.

I won't lie...I am grieving the farewell to these breasts...for 50 years we've been through some sh*t together. Parting is such sweet sorrow. I am sad to see them go, but I know my chances for Cancer III will fall dramatically.

Today's silver lining: Actual word for word quote from Plastic Surgeon #2: You don't have enough stomach fat to even make an A Cup.

Now, that's some shit.