Letter to Liliana

Dear Lili: You probably won't remember this day we had together but it's one I won't forget. Only several weeks fresh from a second cancer diagnosis, having you close by to love, to hold, to laugh with was THE BEST MEDICINE EVER (as people in 2011 like to say).   Together with your daddy, your Uncle Richie, Cousin "Scara" and a few close friends, we did a photo shoot in the hot sun to tell the world that fighting cancer is important.  You and I also went to Fox TV and shot a TV commercial...you liked sitting in the news anchor's desk!  I hope you will always feel that important because you are.

As you grow up, you will come to know that on our side of the family, we have the hereditary BRACA gene mutation.  Hopefully this didn't pass on to you but there is a chance that it did.  So what does this mean for you? It doesn't mean a life of fear, but means that you should be healthy: eat your vegetables, exercise, take care of yourself, go to the doctor and make sure you get your regular check ups.  What does it mean for me? Fighting as hard as I can to see that you will grow up in a world that people will say, "Remember when people got breast cancer? Aren't you glad we figured out a way to cure that?"  I think of you every time I do my part to end it forever or help people going through it.

Grandchildren are absolutely the best silver lining of life.  I'm not so sure we'll find a cure in my lifetime, or your dad's lifetime, but I remain optimistic that you will know a world without breast cancer.

With love,
Grandma Terri

Meet Hope

Hope was conceived while recovering. As the piles of beautiful cards starting stacking up in Cancer II, against a mountain of them from Cancer I…I started to daydream about what I could do with all those powerful healing words and beautiful images.  It seemed a shame that they were stuffed in a drawer - well some were displayed, some were in a drawer, some were on my desk, some were on the counter...so many of them. THANK YOU!!!  No two alike - I loved them all. 

My niece Sara, a true artist, found an Etsy store that sold sculpted bodies and this became Hope’s canvas.

Generally, I’m the big picture thinker with the end result in mind, so it came to no surprise that I lassoed my besties ( thanks Kathy, Kristi and Lisa) into art day. I've been known to pay people to finish my projects but not this time!  The C card is still working.   After a little wine, some good music and a lot of laughs…Hope came to life.  To all of those who shared my journey with your funny cards, your inspirational messages, prayers, wisdom, tears and laughter…thank you.   Hope is filled with you.

She's not quite finished yet...still have some work to do to on her face and bling to add.  She will be entered into our Art for the Cure/Silent Auction event on October 1 in Grapevine.  Please come bid on her and if you have something you'd like to donate for the auction, let me know ASAP.  All proceeds benefit putting an end to breast cancer forever and assisting women in our community with education, screening and treatment.

Silver lining: Craft day with my friends - feels like I'm a kid again!  Reading through all the love again... can you find your card or words of encouragement on Hope?  I have to say my favorite image on hope were words from my sister Lauri on a card when Cancer I was finished - it said simply THE END. Love, Lauri. Can you find it?

Were you expecting gold? For a long time I was...

Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold. Maurice Setter

The L Word

I was going to call this post the D word...but changed my mind. But I really want to talk about the D word. First.  So I'm going to because well, this is my blog and I can die if I want to?

Anyone who has ever heard the C word, automatically jumps to the D word, because THE BIG C is a disease that takes people's lives - otherwise it would be the little C or we would just say cancer.  Having lost a mom and sister way too young to cancer = I know.  Many people don't even  like saying the word cancer because it is too scary. How's your health seems so much nicer than how's your cancer going?

Back me up my survivor sisters and brothers...didn't a diagnosis of cancer cause you to face your mortality? Think about your children without a parent or your grandchildren without you? Make sure your life insurance policy was up to date? That you have a will or have it updated? And then there's the conversations you want to have...but nobody will.  If you mention, "if I die...." you are instantly cut off with "you're not going to die. I don't want to talk about this." Here's a news flash - unless you've got some immortal super powers, we are all going to die. If we want to have a conversation about it, please let us.  We'll fight to live, but we've got to have that base covered. Just in case.

So here are my D wishes for all of you who wouldn't let me talk about it (and here's hoping it's way in the future!) :  no sad funeral - use some of my dwindling 401K savings for a party and remember the good times.  Play good music - better yet hire a band.  If the market comes back strong, maybe Dave Grohl or Adam Duritz will recognize my long time crushes and come play.  Cremate me and then when any of you are going any place really cool, take a little bit of me with you. Then scatter me somewhere amazing.  And laugh...don't cry. I have lived an amazing life.  For my children...you'll probably inherit some money - use it for experiences rather than things; cherish your own children and teach them well.  Give back to the world and to others.  Sister, go to Miraval - every year.  Please friends, come rescue a piece of my funky art so that you will have something to remember me by (Pete, pick your favorites but please let them go to good homes).

OK NOW BACK TO THE L WORD!

I know I've dodged the C bullet twice (see last post).  If there is anything that a potentially life saving disease teaches you - it is this.  LIVE and LOVE FULLY.  If you want to go to Italy, go. Don't wait until you retire. Figure out a way to do it.  If you want to learn a new musical instrument, do it. Now. If you hate your job, quit.  Find something better to do.  If you're in a toxic relationship - get out of it.  Rid yourself of negative people. Surround yourself with things and people you love. Let them know how much you love them. Cancer was a wake up call for me to L large - to help others, to travel, to enjoy my family and friends and BUY THE SHOES!

As we approach the anniversary of that horrific day in September...it is a time to remember that life doesn't give us any guarantees.  C1 for me was four months after this happened.  Chemotherapy was brutal but thinking of people burning or jumping from fiery buildings put life in perspective.

Here's hoping you are enjoying your L as much as I am enjoying mine!!

The stars look very different today...

Exactly two months ago I had my body-altering surgery.  Today I had a follow up visit with CONFIRMED Dr. McSmarty* and my oncologist Dr. B.  Best news: I am cleared to start exercising again, lifting again and swimming when one tiny part is healed!!!  Right on time with the weather turning to a chilly 80 something!!!  YAY YAY YAY...  My exchange surgery to get the implants will happen on December 12, 7 am.  Recovery time should only be a week or so.

Dr. Blum has been my oncologist for 10 years now.  We kind of have a love/lesser love kind of relationship.  I believe that I am Major Tom and she is Ground Control.  But she wants to be Major Tom...probably because of all those extra years in medical school.   She spent a lot of time with me today and I will say I love her because she is VERY SMART. She is the director of the genetic breast cancer oncology stuff and she has been personally interested in me and my family history for quite some time.  She said that my recent diagnosis was presented in their breast symposium and it had the attention of many in the department.

Sometimes she and I have lesser love because she has been SO ADAMANT that with my family history, I should have gotten rid of the girls a long time ago. Every visit was a push for the  just-in-case-double-mastectomy.  Every visit I would tell her no.  She used all kinds of persuasion techniques: new breasts, less chance of recurrence, perky breasts, less chance of recurrence, family history, less chance of recurrence... I just wasn't ready to lop off body parts just in case. She would even say things like "Do you want to get breast cancer again?"  And of course I would tell her yes, it's such a character building experience just so that I could be snarky Major Tom.   So today our conversation went sort of like this:

Dr. B: I hate to be the one that says I told you so, but....I TOLD YOU SO.  I don't know why you didn't get rid of your breasts years earlier and save yourself all this trouble.

Dr. B: You know you dodged a big bullet?

Dr. B: I was watching for your pathology results and I want you to know that I was doing the HAPPY DANCE when I found out your results (I guess she was in the NO NODE CHANTING TOO!).  I was ecstatic. I was so happy for you. INSERT ACTUAL HUG HERE, (which is a really big deal because she's not really the warm and fuzzy type but she is REALLY SMART).  I mean, no one wants to go through chemotherapy again, it's awful, that's why I wanted you to have them removed.  I'm so glad you don't have to do chemotherapy.

ME (you notice I don't get a whole lot in here): and this from someone who's never had chemotherapy.

Dr. B: Well, I do go through it vicariously (note to Dr. Blum: it's NOT the same, but OK you do get to see the wreckage from chemo every day of your professional life).

Dr. B: Why did you take so long to have your surgery - you were diagnosed in April and had it in July?

ME:  I was interviewing plastic surgeons.  Again, Major Tom here....

Then we had a lot of talk about plastic surgeons and choosing doctors, and she said she felt special that I had picked her (I didn't have the heart to tell her I didn't interview oncologists - I love Dr. Grant and he made the referral).  She concurred that Dr. McSmarty* was an amazing Plastic Surgeon and SMART TOO!  Did I mention that we love our ground control to be smart?

Again, I feel so fortunate that I have been diligent about my health; have a great health care team and the resources to access them.  Think I'll go float in my tin can.

In case you missed it, here is my two minutes of local fame.
http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/news/fox_4_features/hometown_heroes/Hometown-Hero-Terri-Swain